Debris Road « Marine Snow

Debris Road

November 13, 2009 at 7:27 pm | In Eating disorders | 31 Comments
Tags: Lola is crying on the inside today

I’ve gone private for a number of personal reasons. The first is that I cannot deal with the responsibility of posting to the public given my current circumstances. I’m terrified that my writing is likely to become less insightful, more disordered, more personal and quite frankly pretty repetitive. Marine Snow is, and has been my pride and joy for over a year, and I’d sooner delete it forever than see it becoming Pro-ana, harmful or boring. The second reason is privacy. I’m pretty sure a member of my family checked me out the other day, and whilst this could be paranoia from the number of family related posts I’ve published recently, I just don’t need the extra stress of my personal space being invaded right now. I
am also running a very high risk of redundancy at the moment and find out at the end of the month whether I’ll have a job next year or not. If you’ve been reading you’ll know how much I love my job, and will appreciate how badly this has effected me. Given that anything published in the public domain, is exactly that, Public, I’d rather keep a low profile. Anonymity is a fragile condition at the best of times, and frankly these times are far from that.

The final reason is plagiarism. I found some of my work reproduced on other blogs recently, and whilst they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I am very flattered given that I usually think most of what I publish is cack, I pour my heart and soul into posting on here. My words mean everything to me, everything, to have them recycled cuts deeply. So I’d rather post to a smaller audience and know that my thoughts are safe.Those who have been reading and commenting consistently have been for the most part issued with a password. I’m sorry to any long-term readers who have never commented, but I’m not sending out any more passwords for now. If you have been missed off my list, don’t take it personally, it’s not intentional. If I know you, or you can get someone to vouch for you, by all means send me an email. It’s such a pity, I take great pride when someone says my blog has touched their life, to lose that really breaks my heart.

I don’t think this will be forever, just perhaps until I feel safer. I wish you all the best, and hope you understand.

Much Love,

Lola Snow

31 Comments »

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Lola,
I’m new to reading your blog (and following you on twitter) but I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you around again soon.
xx

Comment by BlackBerry — November 13, 2009 #

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You’ll be missed Lola.

Very best wishes to you.

SI xxx

Comment by Serial Insomniac — November 13, 2009 #

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Lola
As one of the likely many “long-term-reader-no-commenters”, I certainly understand why you’ve made the choice you have and please don’t think that my commenting now is in any way trying to angle or beg for a password. I have been delving into your private-made-public world for almost a year now without letting you into mine and therefore am far from deserving of the continuance of such a one-sided arrangement. I wanted to comment now, however, as I’ve struggled with finding the words so many times before but may not get another chance.

The wisdom and clarity with which you express this crazy journey is remarkable and many times I have read your words and realised “that is it! *that* is that feeling”…but words are not my gift, they are yours and you write so eloquently, so emotionally and so openly about something, many things in fact, which we so often fail to discuss and moreover purposely hide from those around us who seek to support us, if only we weren’t so damned determined to keep ourselves boxed in.

I’ve never commented because I’ve never felt that I have anything to add of any value which can “help” you…and even still I wish I could say something more profound but don’t know what that something is. Instead I will wish you all the best and send my thanks to you for sharing and putting into words what others can’t. You really do deserve to be happy, whether you believe it or not.

Nova xx

Comment by Nova — November 13, 2009 #

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I understand Lola. I haven’t written much on my blog for a while, mainly finding myself repeating over and over.
You do what is right for you and that is all you can do !!

Take care sweetie
Serotonin xxx

Comment by serotonin66 — November 13, 2009 #

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- What’s your blog address? I’d love to read it. Also, sometimes you can go back over what you’ve written several months ago, pull it up, clean it up, add a little more wisdom, and post it again. Those who haven’t read your blog before will be thrilled at your new entry, and those who just picked up your blog a few months ago (after the post) will also be thrilled. Even those who’ve read the old (unmodified) blog will be glad to get a gander at the cleaned-up version. Just a thought.
  
  Comment by Crazy Mermaid — December 8, 2009 #
  
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Take care, stay safe. Because you are worth it

Comment by uphilldowndale — November 13, 2009 #

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I hope things start to look brighter for you soon Lola. I totally understand your feelings about going private, I have never managed to make my blog public. Your blog primarily has to help you, You should always come first.

You have an amazing ability to capture feelings in words that I have never read before. I have found much comfort and support knowing I am not alone in this battle.

Stay Strong Lola. I hope to read your words again sometime but untill then, All the Best and Look after Yourself.

Much Love. Becky xxx

Comment by Bex — November 13, 2009 #

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Take better care. And if that means writing the same thing in your blog day after day, well then, that’s good. Whatever it takes to get you back in the larger world again.

Comment by Rebecca — November 13, 2009 #

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So sorry things are so difficult right now….the fact that your words have been stolen makes me so angry. grrrr! it has happened to me before, with art, and it really just ….shattered something. Anyway hope things begin to look up…Your blog is such a gift to us. hugs
s

Comment by shawna — November 14, 2009 #

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People stealing your words makes me very bloody annoyed, to steal someone’s exposed soul, is a **** (naughty naughty word) of a thing to do. On top of the other stuff happening in your world right now, bloomin heck, you did not need that.

I feel like a poke and prodder at times, because I have gained so much insight reading this blog. I am a ‘helper’ a ‘motherer’ and at times a somewhat ’smotherer’ (lame rhyme time) and to not do anything to help is pretty shit (but my shit).

Here is to the future and becoming bulletproof (please blame La Roux for that)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Comment by Claire — November 14, 2009 #

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thanks for helping me not feel like an alien. You have been a blessing to me and i have been in recovery for 7 years. 7 years feeling like “me” is all wrong is what got me into the grips of ed in the first place.

Comment by greykitty — November 14, 2009 #

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*hugs*
I hope you can continue posting at some point. X

Comment by Kate — November 14, 2009 #

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I’ll be thinking of you.

Lou x

Comment by Lou — November 15, 2009 #

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I can’t believe someone from this community plagiarised you and posted your work as their own! Disgusting and disappointing, no wonder you want to give yourself a bit of privacy. Thankfully I have a password, would desperately miss Marine Snow’s take on the world

Comment by Lil — November 15, 2009 #

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Thanks everyone. I’m absolutely devastated to have to go private. This blog has been the one consistent thing in my life for the past 18 months, and to lose that freedom is tearing me apart. There have been times when it has literally been the only anchor to sticking around that I have had. It’s been my space, the only place I have felt comfortable and safe and unintruded.

I’m fairly sure more of my family have since visited. I don’t know why I try to keep anything for myself, they just have no concept of privacy whatsoever. It doesn’t help my current mindset of “Fuck-em-and-freeze-the-bastards-out” Those walls I erect to keep people out just strengthened 10 fold and I feel disrespected. If they are reading this I hope they feel utterly ashamed of themselves. Caring about someone’s welfare should be approached with honesty and dignity, not slyly reading their diary when you think they’re not looking. It’s cowardly and only liable to push the person into further secrecy.

Anyway, enough ranting. I just wanted to say how much you all mean to me, and I’ll treasure your comments.

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — November 15, 2009 #

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I’ll be sticking around lovely Lola. You take care and stick two fingers up at the bar-stewards x

Comment by eccedentesiast — November 15, 2009 #

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A very understandable decision. So, signing off reading your blog with a big thank you. It’s been always interesting and well written. I’ve been sad to read about your recent difficulties and will keep my fingers crossed for you. x

Comment by Anna — November 16, 2009 #

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I understand but am very sad to hear the extent that this has upset you. I would love to keep reading your entries but understand as a newcomer you may not wish to email me the password. Your words will not be forgotten quickly if at all Lola.

Comment by Dave R — November 16, 2009 #

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Please email me a password your blog is facinating and very well written and as a nurse I am very interested and gain so much insight from it.

If unable I understand

Regards GAIL X

Comment by Gail Harvey — November 18, 2009 #

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Please could I have the password too? I never commented before, but miss your writing already. Please email it to me.

Comment by Ceris — November 18, 2009 #

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Hi Lola

I also a work in the field of mental healthcare and would be grateful for a password. I understand that your privacy is important to you, and will not be offended if you were to decline. However, your journey has been fascinating as well as at times heartbreaking, and a really truthful insight into the inner thoughts of someone with an eating disorder. I would like to continue reading, and continue trying to understand.

Georgia.

Comment by Georgia Greenaway — November 19, 2009 #

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Thank you all for your comments. Password requests are being considered. It’s a trust thing, and I am grateful that you understand this. It’s lovely to meet you all.

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — November 22, 2009 #

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I don’t know if you might consider me for a password?

B.

Comment by B. — November 23, 2009 #

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- Hey I could have sworn you were on the first list. Have resent to this email address
  
  Lola x
  
  Comment by Lola Snow — November 24, 2009 #
  
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Seems like you are a true professional. Did you study about the issue? *lol*

Comment by AlorohOff — November 25, 2009 #

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I understand the privacy thing – I hope things even out soon for you, your writing is quite beautiful at times. I tend to see it from that perspective – as writing – than as something that could be harmful for other ED sufferers. But that’s probably because I have the luxury of not having that particular problem.
Anyway, hugs and stuff
Louise x

Comment by bluesilk — December 1, 2009 #

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Hi Lola

As another someone who has read your blog from time to time I’m sorry that you are having to restrict access. I’ve found it at times heart-breaking and heart-warming, illuminating and always beautifully written. Good luck with the journey — i hope that everything turns out for the best.

John

Comment by blacksun6am — December 4, 2009 #

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i haven’t checked you’re blog for ages and am so sad that this has happened. if you are giving out passwords please add me to the list!!!!

Comment by Luci — December 5, 2009 #

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Thinking about you! I haven’t read your blog in weeks, but I hope things look up for you!

Comment by imaginenamaste — December 6, 2009 #

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I’m sorry I got here too late. If you’re giving out passwords, I’d like one if it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable. Mermaids are few and far between, but we do read and I enjoy what I’ve read so far.

Comment by Crazy Mermaid — December 8, 2009 #

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hi lola

i’ve been fighting ED for 14 mths now & just got out of treatment. i would love to be able to be reading your blog if you wouldn’t mind?

Comment by Tara — December 14, 2009 #

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