Lump
June 27, 2009 at 11:09 am | In Eating disorders | 31 CommentsTags: anorexia, anorexic, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, living with an eating disorder, mental illness, recovery, relationships
I talk a good talk. Apparently. That’s what they say. I’ve actually well lost count how many times I’ve heard that over the years. Teachers at school said it. My family have said it. The Psychiatrist said it, the therapist said it, the dietitian said it. People who I have spoken to for less than an hour have said it. Even customers* at work have said it. I guess what they are saying, is that when I present a case, I sound like I know what I am talking about. And for the most part, I tend to agree with them. I’m a pretty articulate person if I know a subject. I do often sound like I’ve totally thought about a situation, analysed it and digested it. It seems often I do that far too well. I’m very comfortable with shielding myself with a clever theory.This week has proven how well I can hide behind a hypothesis. I wrote in my last post how hard I thought this week was going to be. Pushing myself into spontaneity, breaking plans and routine, and how I thought this would impact on my eating disorder. I don’t think I realised just HOW hard it was going to be though. I have struggled so much this week, but I think it’s understandable, because I have shaken my entire world upside down. I’ve been living in a different environment, saying yes to everything, and actually asking people to do things, without worrying about if the answer is No. I’ve also been eating completely out of my comfort zone, and the only analogy I can come up with is that it has felt much like pushing a 16 wheel truck up a steep cliff. Pushing hard, then even when stopping, that feeling of dread that the damn thing is going to roll on back over me full force, leaving flat as a pancake Lola squashed into the tarmac of life. This week I’ve tried to focus on staying completely away from “safe foods”. Even recently though out my success in recovery, I’ve still merrily been avoiding higher fat foods, simple carbs, and been clinging to certain rules.
The inflexibility of the ED mindset for me, is something which is apparent in the rest of my life, and by pushing myself into a less restrictive routine, I suspect I’ll be able to take advantage of opportunities and feelings that just aren’t available to someone too scared to try new things, or too measured and controlled to feel them. The same goes for those extra few pounds that go on, and come off in a quick bought of panic every month or two. The few extra pounds which would push me into a different clothes size, and possibly having to relinquish my status as Slim, but mean I’d stop saying no to life every few months in order to maintain my jeans size. “Sorry I can’t come to your Birthday Party Old Friend, I’m starving myself this week….”
So this past 7 days I have tried to eat just what I like the look of, not what ED likes the look of. And I’ve done pretty well if I do say so myself. Eating mostly ready meals and prepackaged foods but not putting something back on the shelf too often just because it has a midrange fat content, oh good lord, whatever next? This is a pretty big achievement, and one which I hope is going to have a knock on affect on the rest of my life. It’s always felt hard to me each time I try a new food, but once that rule is broken, it gets easier and easier to eat it, and eventually it really does feel normal. As a good friend recently said to me “It’s not just a case of getting your arse down McDonalds and chowing down 3 big macs and a large fries, but you could try a couple of McNuggets“** Less than a year ago I freaked out at rice, now it’s part of my daily diet. In another years time, I’ll be eating Pizza, maybe? No more leaving a third of a big meal on my plate, a ban on demonising fat. Last night I ate Lasagne, it it wasn’t diet or low fat Lasagne either.
Of course after food comes body as always, and this week I’ve felt like an utter lump of lard, as well as a fish out of water, making me realise just how much of my confidence stems from being surrounded by the familiar, predictable, and restrictive.
The one thing I really feel like I’ve gained this week, (aside from a spare tire, love handles and bingo wings) is the realisation how much I want out of this illness now. I’ve been saying it for a while, though under the surface I’ve still been clinging to the little quirks which have kept my ED going. But this week has been so horrifically painful, it’s really brought me to the point where I JUST DO NOT WANT THIS SHIT IN MY HEAD ANYMORE! I’ve had a taste of life on the other side of an ED, little glimpses of how it could be if I could just let go. And I want that now 100%, (alright maybe 98% lets not expect miracles yet) It’s just not worth the agony of how this makes me feel anymore. I want to love my body, no matter what shape it turns out to be. I want to have a little bit of flesh on me, and still consider myself worthy. I don’t always want to be the Beanpole, or the one with the great figure. I want to be considered more than that, I want to be me. I want to let go. I don’t want intrusive thoughts and body checking and counting to rule my day anymore. I’m slowly turning my back on the mirror. Before my ED was my love hate relationship, now I just resent it. It’s taken so much of my life and the more I scrape back, the more that thought “What the fuck was I thinking?” is resonating through every day.
If recovery means being a size ten or twelve then so be it.
Lola x
* Use the word Customers loosely. It seems now is not a great time in the world of blogging to start wittering on about work.
** OK just for the record, even if I hit the magic place where I would contemplate eating fried food, I’m not touching Mcdonalds with someone else’s bargepole. That’s coming from a chainsmoking, heavy drinking, eating disordered, ex drug user, I respect my body too much to eat that shit.
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Comment by la — June 27, 2009 #
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
I’ll have some of what you’re having, please. I bet the view is much better from your vantage point, and you have earned that, my dear.
Much love,
e
Comment by eshoe — June 27, 2009 #
You already have it Kiddo, you just have to let it out a bit x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
I’m with la, all I have is a
And a few more:
Comment by Karita — June 27, 2009 #
Thanks Karita
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
I love McDonalds. Why do I feel like admitting that is like admitting I eat baby kittens?
My excuse….http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090624/tuk-big-mac-healthier-than-some-shop-sal-45dbed5.html
Comment by cellar_door — June 27, 2009 #
It’s not so much the fat content, as the processed crap of it. I heard they coat their fries in sugar. And it all smells repulsive! Totally unconvinced it’s an ED thing, but more a dislike of savoury food that smells sweet!
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
Very inspiring! I don’t want this shit in my head either!!
Comment by Kim Hooper — June 27, 2009 #
Let’s just get better, huh? x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
I don’t want this shit eitheer!
I’m glad you’ve been trying to break out, it’s a good step forwards! It’s horrible though the fightback isn’t it? Keep fighting, you can do this! (and stay away from mcdonalds!) x
Comment by Kate — June 27, 2009 #
Don’t need to be told twice to stay away from McDonalds. I wouldn’t even go in for a McPiss! I’m tempted to cross the street when I walk past…
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
It sounds like YOU have been the one in control this week, not those overly restrictive, anxiety producing rules from ana. Well done.
As for ronald and his ‘20 different cows in one burger’ happy meals; it’s probably safer to leave well alon! X
Comment by Crazy Nurse — June 28, 2009 #
Being “In control” is such a weird concept. It’s almost like control has become a non-issue! x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
Hi nice website.
Comment by Anulee — June 28, 2009 #
Thanks x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
That’s so good! I agree with La –
I remember you always used to say that you didn’t think you were in the right mindset to stop your ED and so no amount of therapy and other help would stop it but sounds like your mindset is doing good! x
Comment by findingmecrazy — June 28, 2009 #
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
Enigmatic, that. First it’s about shielding yourself with a clever theory, but then the punchline is what size is OK. The clever theory never became clear…unless…was it so clever I missed it?
What is clear is that you’re thoughtful, convincing, determined and disciplined — a powerful woman. ED turned all your power against yourself. Now you’re turning your power against ED, and you’re winning. Hooray! But all that is still a power struggle inside your head, just like ED always was. Letting go might mean letting loose, letting your power loose so it does something in the world, not just in your head.
Not that I’m knocking what you’ve achieved…no, no, not a bit. I’m grinning too
Comment by cbtish — June 29, 2009 #
I think sometimes my Brain and Heart have no connection. So I’ll say “This week is going to be so hard” but have no comprehension of what that’s going to feel like. So: clever theory (or fritzed out common sense)
Sure there is much work to be done, but I think that work may turn out to just be life. x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
You really are inspirational, and know I’m not just saying it. No matter what setbacks come your way, you someow manage to bounce back stronger than ever before.
Long may it continue!
Comment by anickdaler — June 29, 2009 #
The thing is, we all do. That’s the point. It’s just recognising it is the trick. So long as you are still here, you are still bouncing back. It’s giveing yourself credit for it, and allowing yourself to think that way x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
Hiya girl,
Been a while! You’re sounding really good, really pleased for you.
Take it easy…
John x
Comment by John — June 30, 2009 #
Hey Vanilla. Sorry I’ve not emailed you forever, been disconnected from my pseudonym, it helps me stay Me and get well.
xxx
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
That’s great news
Don’t worry about that, just keep being You! (or Me…or whatever… you know what I mean!)
Take it easy girl x
Comment by John — July 4, 2009 #
After reading that, I think I can safely say that I agree with you that you can talk a good talk
Graffiti
Comment by Graffiti — July 3, 2009 #
Thanks. It’s my speciality
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
Hey!!
Why does your blog give a pentagon shaped head and a grouchy face?
I wonder if I will get the same with this comment?
here goes…..
Graffiti
Comment by Graffiti — July 3, 2009 #
Oh, so that’s not an uploaded photo then?
Just kidding….change your email that you comment with, it’ll give you a better picture! x
Comment by Lola Snow — July 3, 2009 #
I would stay away from mickey d’s because their food is FOUL. Well done on all the progress you’ve made, it’s a huge amount.
Comment by DeeDee Ramona — July 4, 2009 #
wow! and yes, definitely with the
Comment by Catatonic Kid — July 14, 2009 #