If you always do what you always did

June 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm | In Eating disorders | 15 Comments
Tags: anorexia, bulimia, dating, depression, Eating disorders, mental health, mental illness, recovery, relationships, sex

Yesterday was date night so it was. It was alright. We had fun, after a rather sketchy start. Am I going to see him again? Probably, but as a friend only. It was brilliant to go out and do normal stuff. And best of all, go out and experience life as me without an eating disorder snapping at my heels every step. I wasn’t trying to be anyone else for the whole evening, I just said what I felt and it was very empowering. He’s a great guy, really kind and easy going. I even ate in front of him, a burger, I know, kudos to me. So why, you may well ask, am I not thinking of more than friendship?

Partly because I’m just not ready for anything long term, though it’s not quite as simple as that. It wouldn’t be fair on him, or on me to be in a relationship at the moment, and he made it very clear that is what he was looking for. Aside from the fact that I’m discovering how much fun life can be, and don’t want to tie myself down to anything permanent, I’m only just beginning to get to know myself. My gut instinct tells me that rushing into anything right now, anything emotionally complicated, is a bad idea. Friends have asked me to think about it, suggested I just need time, but I’m going with my instinct for once. It’s nice they want to see me with someone, but I am feeling a little pressured about it. I think they just want to see a happy ending, which in most peoples minds, is a relationship. I guess there is the one other thing they don’t know. You see, it’s him as well as the situation. He reminds me of Dave. Only one person knows about the Dave saga in real life, so it’s kind of hard to find an answer when the united front of “Friends What Care” start pushing me back into seeing The Mystery Man again.

It was halfway through a drink in the pub, when it dawned on me why his mannerisms and gait were just so familiar. That baseline feeling of uneasiness, wasn’t just anxiety about meeting a new person, or trying new things, or sitting in front of someone who quite obviously liked me a great deal more than I was ready to deal with. It was the overwhelming similarity to Dave. Trouble was, after I had seen it in him, I just couldn’t stop seeing it. It was as if his face had become overlaid with Dave’s features. It was around then I realised that it just wasn’t going to be something I could overcome. He does look like Dave, a little, not hugely, not anymore than any other tall, olive skinned, dark haired male would. But It has got me wondering, if every man out there will always remind me of Dave?

It’s a terrifying idea that this is some twisted legacy that I just wasn’t expecting from the whole debarkle. I’m hoping it’s just an unfortunate coincidence. Or maybe Dave has just come in my mind to represent the fear of any intimacy. That creepy nauseous feeling I get when someone begins to seem to like me, and the inadequate feeling which gnaws at the bottom of my stomach, when I realise I might not be able to let go and like them back, or even want to. I guess that’s common for anyone, but I’m new to this stuff. My general anxiety about everything sits at about 60% much of the time, it doesn’t take too much to scare the hell out of me. I need to feel stronger in myself, before I dash off into facing all my demons. It’s not a race, is it? I sent him a message this morning, a vague explanation that I’m just not ready to be with anyone. I guess I should have done it last night really, but I was afraid of being too honest, it simply didn’t seem appropriate to blurt out:

“Yeah, so it’s not going to work out between us ever. Why? Oh because you look disconcertingly like a friend I once had. One who took advantage of me when I was drunk, and just the thought of you touching me, makes me want to vomit on your shoes, sorry about that”

So I opted for the “It’s not you, it’s me, can we just be friends” speil, with a little explanation which I think he’s mature enough to understand. I’m trying not to feel like I have done something wrong, because despite what that irritating little voice in my head says, I don’t owe him anything. I’ve grown enough emotionally to realise that I’m allowed to make choices which are the best for me, without having to feel guilty that it might not please everyone.

I think this has been a pretty good experience for me. It’s taught me a lot, in a very simple evening. I’m not ready to settle down, but I am ready to try this again. Getting out there and experiencing everything that life has to offer, positive and negative feelings, is what recovery is all about. Recovery is supposed to be freedom, but what seems to have happened recently is that freedom has been a carefully measured plan. I’ve been tying myself up with recovery rules, just as much as I was with ED rules. To avoid falling into a rut again, I’ve decided I need to stretch myself. In the spirit of living spontaneously, I am going away for a week as of tonight. My Grandmother is on holiday, and I’m off to house sit for her in the town where I grew up. I’m going to spend a week living out of a suitcase, negotiating buses and new routes to and from work. Staying with friends random nights here and there. I’ll be away from my safety zone of a stocked fridge of safe foods, and routine. It’s going to be good for me, and I am quite excited. Oh and cacking my pants….

Lola x

15 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

I don’t owe him anything. I’ve grown enough emotionally to realise that I’m allowed to make choices which are the best for me, without having to feel guilty that it might not please everyone

I think this speaks volumes, Lola. Good for you.

Comment by Laura — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
Good for you. Relationships aren’t the answer to anything. They’re just as good or as bad as you are and only okay when you are ready for them. Good luck with the week away.

Rebecca

Comment by Rebecca — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
You did the right thing. Relationships aren’t everything, and only work if it’s actually what you want, not what you (or everyone else) thinks might make you happy – in that case, they might have the complete opposite effect!

Comment by nickopotamus — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
Absolutely agree with Nick here.
“I’ve grown enough emotionally to realise that I’m allowed to make choices which are the best for me, without having to feel guilty that it might not please everyone” It’s a hard lesson to learn, well done for learning it

Comment by Chapati — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
I think I need some of this wisdom! I really admire you for the way you’ve handled this situation.
Have a wonderful week and embrace all the new experiences, I’m going to exercise some of this Lola inspired freedom this weekend!

Hann xxx

Comment by Hanberry Pie — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
I think you did great.

Comment by Karita — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
I’m glad you got out there! I just wrote a post about the importance of listening to your gut (something those of us with anorexia aren’t that great at). Your intuition is good. If you sense you don’t want a relationship, whatever the reason (if you’re not ready, if he reminds you of Dave, etc), you are probably right. It’s empowering to trust yourself. It seems like it was a good experience… Being normal and not trying to be someone else can be really freeing.

Comment by Kim Hooper — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
Good realisations! It is all, indeed, part of recovery! xx

Comment by Kate — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
I’m glad you are sounding so strong

Melissa

Comment by Melissa — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
your doing alright love. don’t risk what you’ve got for the sake of just doing what everyone wants you to do coz you feel like you should!!!! proud of you babe xxxx

D xxx

Comment by Incognito — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
I’m so proud of you! And you should be so proud of yourself as well! I’m really glad you went on that date and you didn’t do anything wrong. Some people think that if you agree to go on one date you’re under some kind of obligation to go out with the guy again but you’re not. It was one date and it sounds like casual dating is what you want at the moment, so that’s good.

If someone reminds you of Dave, then obviously you’re not going to want anything more to happen. I had a similar experience with thinking someone looked like Chris and reminded me of him and I knew I couldn’t kiss him again because of that. I’m sure every man out there won’t remind you of Dave but is this the first guy you’ve dated since Dave? If it is, then maybe the first few guys will remind you of him but surely it should pass with time.

And don’t let your friends pressure you into anything just because they think that a relationship is a solution to everything! Take your time with everything and have fun! That’s probably the most important thing right now.

Enjoy your week away! That’s another big step you’ve taken! So glad to see you back by the way (sorry for writing a mini-essay!(

Hannah x

Comment by findingmecrazy — June 19, 2009 #

Reply
Well handled from start to finish, Lola – yay for you. I love your insight and strength in this post.

Comment by Lil — June 20, 2009 #

Reply
This is a diff. person than I knew a few months ago – and it’s a beautiful thing! The lust for life is evident in your words. Yay for Ms. Snow…

Comment by eshoe — June 20, 2009 #

Reply
I don’t think being in a relationship is necessarily right, at this moment but good for you getting out there and you will know when it feels right. x

Comment by Lareve — June 20, 2009 #

Reply
Thanks Gang. It was a very difficult experience, but I really felt I like learnt some valuable stuff from it. Mostly that I might one day want that, just once I have gotten to know myself better. That realisation that I might want a relationship, was worth any difficulty to get. One thing I vowed since being with K, was that I just never wanted that again. Admitting that I want to have that closeness, and that wanting it does not make me weak, is a huge leap towards where I want to be. Well, and happy and secure.

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — June 21, 2009 #

Reply