Intrigue
June 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm | In Eating disorders, Hope | 27 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, mental health, mental illness, recovery, relationships
I am calling a state of emergency. It’s become an emerging emergency! After a lifetime of building up barriers to keep the feelings in, and those who inspire those nasty feelings out, it seems one has slipped under the radar, and got through the barricades. I am of course, referring to Him. Man who I have now arranged a date with on Thursday. Man who I have exchanged phone numbers with, and spent the past few days facebook stalking. Oh dear, oh dear, what to do?
There is a huge part of me running around inside my head like a panic stricken survivor in a forest fire. Waving my arms around and screeching. Noooo, nooo! Stop, this must stop! Because frankly I am feeling things which I haven’t felt in years. Not felt for real. I’ve had the poor cousins of happiness from weight loss, or buzzing highs from medication. But now there is a Joy, nothing like Ana’s faux joy with that aftershock of fear. That uplift which is so artificial and contrived like the aspartame she insists on for my coffee. I’m feeling Excitement, anxious excitement for a new possibility. But not like Bulimia’s binge frenzied excitement, so driven and uncomfortable, desperate for release. Trouble is, after so many years spent in lockdown, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.
Of course what doesn’t help is having to ride out this constant emotional barrage, and without the aid of an eating disorder to quash it. Don’t get me wrong, it is by far better to feel like this than to not, but impulse is strong and learnt for a long time, to beat away emotion when it surfaces. Numerous times of late I’ve come to put an arm on ED’s shoulder to support myself, and realised I don’t need to. It leaves me slightly confused for a moment, as if there is something totally alien about my life now. For example, how does a normal person prepare for a date? For me, any upcoming social engagement would be fuel to the fire of restriction. All excitement lost in the battle to be thinner, and lighter for the occasion. To starve myself beautiful and worthy. Oscillating between triumph at a lost pound, and grief over pounds yet to lose until I am “ready”. But now it strikes me that to be thinner for this occasion would be ridiculous, and unnecessary, when he wants to meet me, not me and ED. For this meeting, being well is a benefit, because it might lead to new paths. Sharing a part of me that I am only just beginning to know myself. Feeling these amazing feelings is frightening.
ED has tried to cut him down. There has been name calling and jealousy and doom mongering. But there is a bit of me fighting back. Strong and shiny and new and proud of this new opportunity to grow. It’s the bit which shushes ED when he finds flaws in the possibility of relationship, quiets ED’s nagging about how there might eventually be Sex, or Love. ED ever the cynic doesn’t believe in Love. He thinks love is for fools, and fools are weak and deluded. But I’m not listening. Because nothing has made me grin so suddenly as seeing that little (1) by my inbox, and it’s been a very long time since someone has made me feel special and interesting. So maybe I’ll put myself out there, and risk seeming foolish because what’s the worst that can happen?
There is always the thought: “is this really the right time to be getting involved with someone?” However, that is the same excuse I’ve been using for over a decade, and where has that got me?
Lola x
PS – The dentist appointment went brilliantly! He was so kind and gentle and supportive. And after all that worry, I only have to have one minor filling and one insulation. He said he’d never have known from my teeth that I’d had an eating disorder. For some weird reason that made me very proud.
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So good to see some Snow again.
It’s hardly ever ‘the right time’. Try not to overthink things … and ENJOY xx
Comment by Ruby Tuesday — June 12, 2009 #
Keep going – don’t listen to the ED, it’s telling you lies. Definitely enjoy, you deserve to.
Comment by Karita — June 12, 2009 #
Can’t help you on the dating—I was an abysmal failure at it and will never get divorced\commit spoousalcide because then I might have to go back out there with my socially awkward self. And two kids.
Having said this, you’re allowed to enjoy those first feelings of bliss, that wonderful hit of energy and nerves and holy crap what am I doing? ‘Cause that’s good stuff right there.
Comment by spoonfork38 — June 12, 2009 #
Have fun. Stay strong. Screw ED. Good luck. And Yeah for you.
Comment by Rebecca — June 12, 2009 #
‘Spoousalcide’? Ahem, ’spousalcide.’
Spoousalcide probably involves sewing machines.
Comment by spoonfork38 — June 12, 2009 #
Keep beating off the lies, glad the dentist went well. X
Comment by Kate — June 12, 2009 #
I know it’s terrifying, but I am SO excited for you! It seems like we convince ourselves for years that we’re not worthy (in “Wayne’s World” fashion), so when someone gets in and proves otherwise, we’re shocked and dismayed and totally confused. Let yourself be confused. Go with it! And keep us posted
Comment by Kim Hooper — June 12, 2009 #
Lola, so glad to hear from you. I was hoping it was a good sign in that you were really “living” as to your absence in the blogsophere.
First dates can be so exciting and nerve-wrecking too. I think you have to keep emphasizing that he wants to meet YOU. Learning to live, be out there, meet new people, and date are all a part of recovery. Good luck!
Glad to hear the dental visit went well. Now, this doesn’t mean every 15 years you’re going to go to the dentist, right?
Comment by Tiptoe — June 12, 2009 #
hugs & kisses
Comment by eshoe — June 12, 2009 #
I don’t think its the ED giving you doubts, I think its just being a woman!
Go and enjoy
Comment by Chapati — June 12, 2009 #
Seconded! On both those points
Comment by nickopotamus — June 15, 2009 #
Glad the dentist went well. Hope you have a good time at your upcoming date, it’s good to hear that you’re keeping ED in check.
Take care,
Differently
Comment by differentlysane — June 12, 2009 #
Everything new is a test to our recovery… take in as much of the moments you have with him as you can. But (IMO) you have to be hyper aware of sliding backwards. If you’re at a stage in your recovery where dating makes sense, and feels natural, and doesn’t interfere with your recovery in ways you cannot quickly respond to, then wait to date another day.
Just as an example… I started dating someone just months after I started my own recovery, and it was a mistake. Then again a couple of years into my recovery, but it was a mistake again. I started dating someone just a few months ago and I’ve since found I now have the tools necessary to make sure nothing takes precedence over my recovery.
All that said, enjoy yourself and make sure he’s wearing clean socks and he picks up the bill.
Comment by Gabriel... — June 13, 2009 #
Good luck with it. It’s an exciting time and I hope you enjoy it. Also glad the dentist was okay! Nice to find a sympathetic and supportive one!
Comment by intothesystem — June 13, 2009 #
The fact that you write so well about such traumatic and personal matters has kept me reading, and kept me subscribed while you’ve been silent. I have wondered in the past whether to carry on reading, when you wrote about such pain, torment and illness. This post makes me so glad on your behalf, and so optimistic that a) you are beating the demons and on your way to pleasanter pastures, b) you will carry on writing, but more often in a joyous and uplifting mood. Obviously the former is good for you and the latter good for me, but hey, I’m glad for both of us!
Comment by Lola — June 13, 2009 #
A lovely post to read Lola, I hope the date goes well. (I went through a similar thing with the dentist – hadn’t been for over ten years, convinced myself my teeth were a disaster, only to find it wasn’t so bad. Such a relief!)
Take care x x
Comment by werehorse — June 13, 2009 #
Best of luck on your date!
Comment by Laura — June 13, 2009 #
I’m excited for you! And I think it’s a really good thing that you’re excited! Good for you for fighting back and yay about the dentist. I’m terrible with guys so I don’t know what I can tell you lol but take the chance, put yourself out there and see what happens (and I’m really glad you’re posting again) x
Comment by findingmecrazy — June 14, 2009 #
Yay! Hope the date goes well. And what’s the point of FB if you can’t cyberstalk for a while before a date? If he didn’t want it out there, he wouldn’t be on FB. So really, you’re not stalking at all. You’re researching.
Comment by Reas — June 14, 2009 #
Yay! Wow, have fun gal!
Comment by Cool Polar — June 14, 2009 #
I have butterflies for you! As lovely as Mr Door is, I do miss those first date flutters…*sigh* Jealous.
Good luck! x
Comment by cellar_door — June 16, 2009 #
I really hope you continue to have an amazing time with mystery man. Enjoy it, you deserve it!
Comment by anickdaler — June 17, 2009 #
Hello Ms Snow!!! you have been busy! I was sooo excited reading your post! you go girl! don’t you dare squish those joyous feelings – enjoy every single one like a sun-warmed wild strawberry!
I just hope he’s good enough for you special one!
Hann xxxx
Comment by Hanberry Pie — June 17, 2009 #
Well I did it! Didn’t go to plan, but that’s life. I went, and for that I am PROUD!
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — June 19, 2009 #
Yay, well done!
Comment by Karita — June 19, 2009 #
Thanks for this article
Comment by Tom Smith — June 24, 2009 #
Cheers to you!
I was tipped off to the fact that my (ex) girlfriend had an ED because of her teeth. It just hit me one day–as she was telling me about how much she enjoyed one bathroom where we worked at the time.
I remembered her liking another bathroom and made a comment and she responded that she really paid attention to the cleaner bathrooms. No fault there, but something clicked in the moment.
“Over attentive detail to bathrooms. Bad, yellow teeth.”
And I asked if she had an ED. I hope to be more sensitive next time. I felt rotten–my blabbed comment didn’t leave much room for discussion did it? She recoiled and downplayed it and clammed up, never to talk about it again.
Comment by alixbryan — June 29, 2009 #