Anti-Climax « Marine Snow

Anti-Climax

May 10, 2009 at 3:18 pm | In Despair, Eating disorders, Moodiness | 53 Comments
Tags: anorexia, bulimia, denial is not such a bad place, depression, do as I say not as I do, Eating disorders, hypocritical writing, mental health, mental illness, Only Karita reads these tags, recovery, relapse, the futility of existence, the management regret to announce the closure of this facility may be due to an outbreak of apathy for living, you got to save yourself or remain unsaved

This is about the 40th time I’ve tried to write this post. But it refuses to be written. WordPress ate three versions, I deleted 10 times as many, and the rest loiter on my hard drive, abandoned efforts at expressing nothing. All saying the same thing, but in a varying number of characters. ED has had his serpentine tongue in my ear this week, fingers tangled in my hair, stroking my neck and kissing the nape. Whispering his sweet nothings, and empty promises. Offering numbness and silence, but snatching it away and instead bringing chaos. Pushing me up to the edge of a hole, and tipping me backwards. The darkness almost descends too quickly to log. It seems like a sudden event, this hole and the falling into it. But it’s not, it’s a steady decline, it’s just when you hit the bottom, it is with such force that it seems to have come from nowhere. I’ve fallen. I am lying spread eagled and winded. I can’t seem to pick myself up, nor do I want to. I don’t mean the dietary restriction, I mean in everything. I’m tired, beyond tired. Sun steaming in through the window, head on pillow, still in yesterday’s clothes. I am nothing down here, and nothing up there. I am nothing, hollow and empty and flawed. Floored.

I don’t remember being this low before, or at least holding my silence with such vigour. Such convincing lies about my state of mind. Laughing on cue, face pressed to the grindstone, nods and jokes, affirmations that I am recovered. Little peaks of energy sustaining me throughout the day, by living in a world where it is OK to look to weight loss for satisfaction. Face pressed up against the window of the chemists, ogling the electronic scales. Breath hot against the window, like little Charlie from that Chocolate factory. Diet pills calling, walking and walking and dragging an unwilling body with me. Until I remember that is not My Way anymore. Battle the: Fuck it, I just don’t care, but I do, but I don’t. Enjoying the split second satisfaction born from a knowledge that nothing matters, just the endless drag on to being too ill to care. I just wish it could come sooner, and equally I dread it’s onset. I suppose I am still hoping, a very little corner of common sense thinking, that this current mindset might just burn itself out, or I’ll turn back to Bulimia again, and seek help from the discomfort. I can’t see a relapse reaching the peak of last year, culminating in bones and health scares, I honestly don’t see me getting anywhere. Knowing this is so pointless, deters from any long term plan. Anorexia gets you nowhere, you never reach the point where you think you are thin enough, good enough, successful enough, and safe in that knowledge it ruins the joy of embarking on the journey. I’m not sure where that leaves me. A person starving for life, but eating their magical allotment of calories per day, perhaps?

I think what I am trying to say, is goodbye.

Not goodbye I am going back to my bones. Nor goodbye, so long, I’m off to the bridge now. Though I guess both are tempting options. So it’s just goodbye, there is no point in writing when I have nothing worth sharing, and nothing left to say. I always hoped my last post would be a happy ending. A finale worth sharing. Not words forced out amidst tears and failure. I hoped the same for my life once. Maybe I’ll be back in a month or two, renewed and refreshed and full of stories. I’ll have cried my tears and collected up the bits of me left scattered. Glued them into a life with some time, and feel more together. Or perhaps not.

I wish everyone the best, thank you all for reading, and for your support in the last year, you’ve kept me going more than you will ever know. I’ve met some amazing people through this blog, and I’ll never forget you.

Lola x

53 Comments »

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I’m so sorry that things aren’t better for you. I’m also sorry to hear that you won’t be posting, although I understand why and hope that you will be back posting in a couple of months. After all it is a great loss to the blogging world…

I hope to still bump into you around the ‘madosphere’.

Take care,
Differently

Comment by differentlysane — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, what can I say? I hope you’ll be OK xx

Comment by la — May 10, 2009 #

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It’s been an honour reading your blog Ms Snow, I hope the time out gives you time to restore your health and happiness, I will always be hoping you’ll come back and write some more.
Yours truly,
Hanberry Pie xxx

Comment by hanberry — May 10, 2009 #

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I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a rough time. Taking time out may help although I’ll miss your posts. Take very good care of you. (((Lola)))

Comment by Laura — May 10, 2009 #

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See you around Lola – no point in blogging if it isn’t helping you but I hope you will be back.

Comment by uselesscpn — May 10, 2009 #

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I hope you don’t vanish totally, your little links on twitter and facebook have provided me with much entertainment when I’ve needed a break. The most important thing is to look after you, and if blogging isn’t doing that then there’s no point but I’ll miss reading your posts. You’re a brilliant writer.

Take care. I’m always around if you need a chat or whatever.

Ana

Comment by anickdaler — May 10, 2009 #

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Fight. Lie, cheat, bamboozle your wicked self. Don’t go. Don’t give up. Or if you do, if you have, then say it’s just for this hour, not for the next. Damn it all to hell and gone, Lola, you can’t be so far gone, that you can’t come back. Not if you can still write so hauntingly. And if anorexia wins one round, that doesn’t mean she’s won. Don’t give up on yourself or on us, for that matter. Ah, hell. You said you’d be okay, and you’re not okay. You have to fight for yourself. You just have to. Get help.

Comment by Rebecca — May 10, 2009 #

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Sweetheart, I know I don’t comment much but it’s been an honour reading your blog so far. I very much hope you’ll be able to come back after you’ve taken a break, as long as it isn’t damaging for you.

Secondly – please, please, go and get some more help. You are incredibly strong, but there comes a time when however strong you are, you can’t do it alone anymore. That’s allowed.

All love and thoughts,

Laurie. xxx

Comment by Penny Red — May 10, 2009 #

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I hope you’re okay Lola. Take your time and look after yourself as best you can. Missing you already x

Comment by eccedentesiast — May 10, 2009 #

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Take care, Lola. You write so beautifully. I wish all the very best for you and hope so much that things get better.

Comment by cb — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, you are a beautiful writer. I wish I had marvelous words of wisdom, but I don’t. I’m tired too. Actually, I just thought today of ending my blog. Sometimes, I just don’t see a REAL way out. I totally understand this battle: “Fuck it, I just don’t care, but I do, but I don’t.” Yep, I’m right there with you. Of course, I hope you will return to writing at some point, but I understand your need for quiet. Much love to you!

Comment by Kim Hooper — May 10, 2009 #

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Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, I have learnt some things about myself through reading your blog.
I hope you will find something to hold on to,something that isn’t connected to your weight.
Here’s hoping you’ll find you way back here,when you’re good and ready.
Big hugs from Ida x

Comment by Ida — May 10, 2009 #

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Thank you Lola for being strong enough to share your struggles with the world, for making me see that it’s ok to have bad days and it’s even more ok to allow myself a good day once in a while. I only wish id discovered you sooner than what i did. I hope you do come back sweetie, but only do it when it is going to be beneficial to you.

Don’t feel that you need ’stories’, you just need you and your natural writing talent.

Here’s hoping (with all my heart and soul) that you will find a better place soon.

Lots of Love

Lottie
xXx

Comment by cmep — May 10, 2009 #

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Good luck, I hope your stalker buggers off soon. You will be missed. xx

Comment by Kate — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, I hope things get better for you. I also really hope that you will continue to blog. I’ll miss you!

All the very best (sweety for now, and if you don’t return, forever…)

Pxxx

Comment by petrona — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, that post was beautiful. A beautiful post, but I hope not the last, not the last for your lyrical writing repeats in my mind days since I read it last. I hope your break is a good one, and wish you all the luck and success in the world. Hannah X

Comment by colouredmind — May 10, 2009 #

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lola,

there really is nothing to say and all the nervous energy we expend trying to keep ourselves out of the void is what keeps us circling it. thats just how it is .

Comment by norm — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, reading this has brought me to tears. Please don’t give up. XXX

Comment by Karita — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola, you’ve made me smile so many times when I’ve been down the hole. You’re a star. Thanks for that. I hope you stick around, or come back soon. You take care of yourself, ok? Dx

Comment by abysmalmusings — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola you’ve been such a bright star twinkling in the blog-galaxy, I’ll miss your sparkles very much. But must do what you need to do and if that means shutting down for a while then so be it. I do hope you decide to return.
Please please grab hold of whatever struggling will to get better you have (it’s there somewhere, even if you can’t see it at the moment).
And you always have something worth sharing.
Look after yourself.
K.x

Comment by loopykate — May 10, 2009 #

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For the record, I do hope you wind up returning to this blog, though if you need a hiatus then that’s understandable.

Comment by Zarathustra — May 10, 2009 #

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Lola,

You’re a great writer, and a great person (I know you won’t believe either of those things, but that doesn’t make me regret saying them). I’ll miss this blog, but I do understand the need to stop writing sometimes.

Please take care of yourself. You are important, you matter, and all of your readers want you to be okay, whether you write about it or not. Come back to your blog if you need to. Equally, if it’s what you need, stay away.

Just look after yourself. You deserve to be okay.

Laura
xxx

Comment by Laura — May 10, 2009 #

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Hi
I can’t believe you’re stopping posting, but if you know it’s the right thing to do then just take care of yourself and focus on you. I really hope you find something to make it better, if i could find the magical all-healing wand right now i’d send it to you, hope you’ll still be around on facebook though. I’ll really miss your posts. Take care x

Comment by Hannah — May 10, 2009 #

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I’ll miss your blog (and your amazing writing) but I understand only too well what it’s like.

Hope to see you again soon – please take care.

Lou x

Comment by Lou — May 10, 2009 #

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Keep fighting Lola. We’ll still be waiting here if you ever want to come back.
*hugs*

Comment by wardbunny — May 11, 2009 #

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I’ll miss your blog and hope you’ll be back one day. Keep posting on twitter.

Comment by Harriet — May 11, 2009 #

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Ahh, Lola, dear Lola. Your blog will remain in my list of bookmarked ones, to be checked semi-regularly, as all are, on the off chance that you decide to post again. I will miss your words more than you know.

With much love,
T

Comment by Tiger — May 11, 2009 #

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Don’t you dare leave me, Lola! I’ll miss you, and that’s one more thing I can’t handle right now. You’re my first virtual friend, and I really, really adore you. The least you can do is email every once in a while, or be my real friend on Facebook. You know who I am.

<3<3<3

Comment by Skinny Lady — May 11, 2009 #

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I can only identify with you. Words seem vain anymore. A break is called for when the efforts are fruitless in your mind.

Just remember that small victories count, too – and you have every right to celebrate in them. Not everything in life is evil. We see it that way because we filter everything through ed eyes.

Take your break, but do it for the right reasons. And if that means slowly transitioning to the world outside of this blog, then you deserve it.

Believe it, Lola. You deserve love.

xoxo from aross the pond,
e

Comment by eshoe — May 11, 2009 #

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take care lola. i hope a break is all thats needed. you’ve provided me with a lot of inspiration and hope.

we both know its not a smooth journey even if it seems we’re eating better on the outside.

look after yourself.

xx

Comment by Susie — May 11, 2009 #

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Thanks for sharing with us, you write really well. I hope everything goes well for you moving forward, and we’ll still be around when/if you decide to come back to the blogging world!

Will miss you!

Comment by Chapati — May 11, 2009 #

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Take care, my shining star, and I will always hope to one day see a Snow post in my google reader. I wish you could see yourself, and love yourself, the way we do. Hoping xx

Comment by Lil — May 11, 2009 #

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((hugs))

I understand, but we’ll all miss you. I hope one day you’ll feel up to doing some more writing, you have a definite talent for it and I’ll miss reading your stuff.

Take care xx

Comment by cellar_door — May 11, 2009 #

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Do what’s best for you, Lola, always, but I will miss your posts.

Au revoir.

Comment by spoonfork — May 11, 2009 #

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Lola, what a beautiful post, it’s terrible to see you go, but if you feel you have to, then do! Please take care of yourself, you’ll be in my thoughts.
Bye bye Lola, you’ll be sadly missed xxx

Comment by Rebecca — May 11, 2009 #

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I will still be in touch but I will miss this blog.

Comment by Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive — May 12, 2009 #

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oh lola! I shall miss your blog, and whilst I do hope that you’ll reconsider at some point, I agree that you must do what is right for you.

please don’t delete though.

Take care my dear, you know where I am if you need to talk. x

Comment by mybeautifulleah — May 12, 2009 #

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dont be a stranger babe. i understand that you must go but we will all miss you. xxxx D xxx

Comment by Incognito — May 12, 2009 #

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Lola. I have never commented before today but have been reading for many months now as you have fought so courageously. Please do not give in to this illness. You can and you will get past this troubled time. God Bless.

Comment by Carol Dean — May 12, 2009 #

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I can’t believe that you will not be writing anymore. Are you out there Lola?

Comment by Melissa — May 12, 2009 #

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Please keep writing! maybe it can help you get better. maybe WE can help you…

Comment by karnii — May 12, 2009 #

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Lola
I’m so sad you are going away for a while. I’ll really miss you. I think your posts were all great. You weren’t expressing “nothing”. You’ve given me insight into how someone deals with an ED. I don’t have much knowledge of it – but your fight against it has been something I often admired. There is a strength in your words, always.

I’ll miss you. When you are ready, I hope you will return.
Hugs
Polar B.

Comment by Cool Polar — May 13, 2009 #

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(((hugs))) x

Comment by Alison — May 13, 2009 #

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I’ve not been reading this blog for as long as others have, but it is one of my favourites.

So sorry to hear you are struggling at the minute and with all that going on in your head I’m not surprised you don’t feel like blogging at the minute.

Louise xx

Comment by bluesilk — May 17, 2009 #

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Hey! How did I miss this? I didn’t know you’d come back, and now I find you’ve gone! No fair!

Just hold on, kiddo. Sometimes the best you can do is not get worse, you know wnat I mean? Just hold on where you are for now. Love you, miss you.

Comment by Marste — May 18, 2009 #

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Don’t go! I just found you and now you are leaving. I’d hit you up with a big old guilt trip but you seem to be able to serve that up to yourself without my help. (Lord knows I sure can.) Just remember these two things:

1. The Battle Cry of the Indifferent: Fight Apathy, or not…

2. Ambrose Bierce wrote: An abstainer abstains from everything but abstention.

I hope someday you find your way back to your blog. You seem to have garnished quite a loyal following.

Comment by mrblueskies — May 19, 2009 #

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I cant believe i only find you tonight, and all hope fills my body thinking that now I have poeple to talk to who share my painfull addiction. oh Lola i wish i couldve got to know you, and read more blogs, They are so so special, and you are too. I really hope you will be back soon

xxx

Comment by Leigh — May 26, 2009 #

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*Sneaks in silently for a hit and run reply*

ALL IS GOOD. BETTER THAN GOOD. But keep it quiet. I shouldn’t believe in Jinxing and whatnot, but things have really really picked up for me. Life is good guys, really good.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. Hang Tough Kids, it gets so much better than this

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — May 26, 2009 #

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- So glad. Long may it last. ((LOLA))
  
  Comment by la — May 26, 2009 #
  
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- I’m so glad. Stay well.
  
  Comment by Rebecca — May 26, 2009 #
  
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  - I third the gladness. Rock on, Lola!
    
    Comment by Catatonic Kid — May 30, 2009 #
    
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loving the “hit and run” reply! as with eveybody else -i hope this lasts for you Lola, i truly do. Lottie xXx

Comment by cmep — May 30, 2009 #

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i miss you. i took a vacation from the blogging world myself (reading and writing) and just as i’m starting to come back around you’ve packed up, too. really, we must time these things better

take care and know your adoring fans are thinking of you!
-nb

Comment by novemberblue — June 3, 2009 #

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