Putting In An Appearance
January 13, 2009 at 5:33 pm | In Eating disorders | 21 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, Eating disorders, growing, recovery, therapy
I don’t want to write this post. In order to write this post, I have to “stay in the moment” and I’m not a big fan of this “moment”. Not this second, just this dirty whirly thought circle which makes me want to jump ship and run for the hills. It’s greasy too, like so many unpleasant though processes, it’s making me twitchy. God damn it, I analysed my ED motives yesterday, can I not just have a break today?
But we have to address these things, don’t we? Otherwise we don’t have a snowballs chance of recovery working. ED screams “No, just do it, don’t question it, because then you might fix it!” Which is, I think you’ll agree utter bullshit, and just another way of ED protecting itself from being unravelled. Pulling this string may yank on a fraying thread from an emotional jumper, bringing behaviours upshort, and heavens, where will we be without our maladaptive coping mechanisms?
Some less than helpful remarks were said at the weekend. People trying to be complimentary, but not realising how unhelpful they were being. A compliment about appearance is seldom a compliment, more a backhanded gesture, trapping us in an ever decreasing circle of insanity.
“You have the perfect figure, you know Lola” says pretty girl.
“Why was a bloke like that even trying with you?” says pretty girls boyfriend, “I mean, you’re like a 9, and he’s like a 2″.
Oh dear. Fuel to a fire, eh? These remarks are easily defeated though, in context. Shall we hear them again? The rational part of my head, wants to kick these into touch with a little situational analysis.
PrettyGirl knocks back yet another drink, whilst ripping off her top, to get changed. The others are waiting upstairs, whilst she changes for a nightclub. I was wearing a dress, she wanted to wear hers too.
“You have the perfect figure, you know Lola” says PrettyGirl. “I’ve had my boobs done already, but I’m saving up for liposuction. But then I’m a single Mum, so it’s going to take me ages, and I want to get a nose job too”
Changes the context slightly doesn’t it? All her credibility just took a ski jump to the rhinoplasty surgeon. The thing is, pretty girl was exceptionally pretty, and if I had to mark up a figure which over all most people would find attractive, I’d go with hers. But she wasn’t talking about “The Perfect Figure” was she? She was talking about “Her ideal figure”. That loses credibility from someone considering multiple plastic surgeries to fix non existent flaws. The rest of the conversation did little to rescue my opinion of her self esteem. I never thought I would meet someone who had as cripplingly low self esteem as I used to have, but jeez, PrettyGirl really aced this heat. A conversation littered with “I don’t know what he’s doing with someone like me”, and “I’m sure his friends will think I’m stupid and cheap”, stung. I wanted to grab her brain and give it a good shake, hoping some of those self critical remarks would fall out like maggots from a bag of apples. But just so we’re clear, that bit of mud still stuck, my lifes work might now be over, I’ve gotten to be attractive, gotten to be perfect in someones mind, now what? Like people who don’t journey to Mecca, until the last opportunity, because y’know, once you’ve been, job done.
PrettyGirls Boyfriend didn’t help her self image much that night, seeing as this conversation took place in her earshot:
“Why was a bloke like that even trying with you?” says pretty girls boyfriend, “I mean, you’re like a 9, and he’s like a 2″.
As it happened, I quite liked the look of the bloke I was chatting to. Understated, genuine, he wasn’t trying to be anyone but himself. His tousled dark hair and thick glasses worked for him. He turned out to be a website designer, and he was really interesting. Anyway, so many things annoyed me about PGB’s remark. I mean who ranks peoples worth on their appearance? Who gives them a number instead of a name? Oh, yes….that would be me. Not about others, no. But I don’t do myself the courtesy, do I?
What was harder still about his comment, was it made me panic straight back into “gotta-stay-here-gotta-stay-like-this” mode. Where the possibility of changing score, or rank, or appearance seems like an unbelievable failure. Like I’ll be letting myself go, by slipping down one misguided blokes hit list of women he would like to pork if his girlfriend were not standing next to him.
What was worse still about his remark, was not only that “gotta-stay-here-gotta-stay-like-this” is automatically converted into “gotta-get-lower-it’s-not-safe-here-gotta-stay-like-this” behaviour. If you aren’t getting lighter, then for sure you’re getting bigger. Which then leads to. Perfect? I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be bones exposed to air. I want to be a bird skeleton. I want to disappear altogether. I want to be My Perfect, my hollow cage, my empty shell.
I feel unsafe here. Part of me doesn’t want to be something valued as precious on the way I look. I don’t want to be the jewel on someones arm, or the badge on their car. I’m not an object. I don’t want to be subject to scales of attractiveness, only talking to people who are in the winners circle. Besides. Slimness changes. Now I have it in my head that to gain any weight would make me a lesser person. I don’t think I have a pretty face, my figure is what gets me on the winners board. I’ve been bigger, and I wasn’t a 9 then. So surely this is a “Nice arse shame about the face” situation.
I want to listen to the rational voice which tells me to disregard idiots on facebook, drunk men in nightclubs, letchy boyfriends, and girls with low self esteem. But so often it feels like there is one rule for ED sufferers, and those that treat them, and one rule for the rest of the world.
Lola x
PS The purpose of this post was because so far today I’ve really struggled not to restrict. ED doesn’t want me to ask for advice or input because he is apparently the boss and I’m too tired and flu ridden to argue. This was an attempt to slow down my bumpy jumpy thoughts and address an issue, but the thought stream seems convoluted with panic of becoming less perfect.
21 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a comment
-
Feed Me!
-
Ego Wall
-
-
Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.
my words of wisdom are… wait for it… genius approaching…
hang in there.
the story of PG and her lovely B is a good cautionary tale. these are the people whom you do not wish to think like, and whom you ought to strive not to be affected by. but until your thinking has permanently and radically reshifted (might take a while) you’ll have to stick to gritting your teeth and going on with the path you’ve started down in recovery, even though it feels wrong and crappy sometimes.
one day you’ll be in a situation like this and just feel sad for PG and her ass of a B, without it making you feel like doing anything to harm yourself. because doing something harmful to yourself makes no sense whatsoever. but for now things that make no sense are still going to seem like they make a bit of sense sometimes, and the challenge is to grit your teeth and keep on the straight and narrow regardless.
last night i ate dinner and felt the food inside and it was uncomfortable and way more than i’d usually have without then making a visit to the bathroom to relieve the pressure on my stomach. and somehow, for the first time in i don’t know how long, i just forced myself to get through it. i knew the amount of food was actually a sane amount for a dinner and that if i ever want to stop purging i’ll have to at some point be willing to actually… not… purge. i’m sharing this b/c i’ve actually been somewhat inspired by you so keep it up or you might take me down with you!
Comment by vive42 — January 13, 2009 #
Again girl you’re doing amazing. You’re doing all the right things, you knew the road was going to be bumpy. But you’re catching yourself and doing something about it. Whether it’s coming to your blog and venting, or whether it’s (thinking about) picking up a paint brush. Just because you’re not ridiculously happy right now isn’t a bad thing, you’re still doing amazing and you should be proud of yourself.
I hope I’m not one of the facebook idiots you mention – ’twas just a wee return fire with the snowball after all.
Take it easy girl
John x
Comment by John — January 13, 2009 #
Hi Lola,
I know how it is, and I know it’s hard, but please, please keep trying.
I hope that things get better for you soon, and that you get back onto top form!
xx
Comment by Kate — January 13, 2009 #
Hi Lola
Never having experienced an ED I can;t comment on that. But I do know about self esteem and negative thought process. Damn hard to break they are. But distraction, like posting here is a good start.
x
Comment by Lareve — January 13, 2009 #
Like Lareve, I too suffer with low self esteem (VERY low) and, seemingly, never-ending negative thoughts about myself, and what others may, or may not, be thinking about me.
I know it’s so hard to stop oneself constantly sifting through peoples comments – looking for the slightest *negative* to focus on.
I really don’t know what the answer is. I wish I did!
Either way, you just carry on as you are doing. You are doing so well. It’s going to be a long, hard, slog, but you WILL get there someday soon!
Chin-up babe…
xx
Comment by Lindsay — January 13, 2009 #
Interesting post. I always wonder what people who judge themselves and others purely on their looks do when they get old and wrinkly. Do they decide life just isn’t worth it because they’re not hot any more? This is where having stuff like personality and brains helps us through – they’re like life’s little helpers. None of us stay young and gorgeous forever.
And certainly love isn’t defined by external standards of beauty. My guy met me five years and twenty kilos ago, and he loves me far more now than he did when we first got together (at least, that’s what he tells me. The bugger better be telling the truth). He does still chase me around the house, which has got to be a good sign.
I guess what I’m getting at is, I agree, judging by appearances only isn’t a healthy way to approach life, and it’s good that you’re aware of that. Just hang in there.
Px
Comment by petrona — January 13, 2009 #
There may be different rules for recovering Disordereds—we just have to remember that *our* new rules are the *sane* ones.
You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s value system, straight or skewed. You have fought hard for the knowledge that people aren’t really numbers and that you are a people.
And if it helps, the things we commenters (as documented on this blog) like about you have nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with the important stuff, like your honesty and sense of humor and kindness and writing ability and artistic talent and a whole lot of etcetera.
Spoonfork
Comment by spoonfork38 — January 13, 2009 #
Yikes! The maggotty poison words – i love yr imagery – got on you. Fling them off, stomp them out. Gah, i know it is hard. Your honesty and kindness are no match for those “appearance” and “ranking” comments, in my book. You inspire me with your words and strength. And honestly, I find comfort in the words of your commenters, also. Take Care!
Comment by shawna — January 13, 2009 #
Urgh. I hate these people. Sorry.
Comment by la — January 13, 2009 #
You’re doing well.
I’d have found it hard being around pretty girl too. After all surely part of recovery is learning to accept yourself for who you are, that you’re not perfect, but perfection isn’t something worth aspiring to. Someone with that negative an opinion of themselves willing to splash out thousands on surgery probably shares a fair few thought processes with those with ED’s, instead of “half a stone till I’m thin” it’s “one more op then I’m pretty”.
Comment by Mediocrity511 — January 13, 2009 #
Funny that we’re both in the I-don’t-want-to-write-and-that’s-exactly-why-I-should state. Good for you for writing it down.
Comment by Marste — January 13, 2009 #
In my mind, pretty much everyone (especially if you are on the lowest end of the scale)
I know I can’t relate to how difficult it must be coping with ED but I have serious problems with my self image. I have to try to avoid catching people’s eye in the street in case I see them sniggering at me or something.
Comment by Nick — January 14, 2009 #
Put a picture of yourself on your facebook profile wearing a karate gi. You will not get any messages from strange blokes, I can guarantee it (except for those wanting you to join yet another martial arts group on fb).
Comment by DeeDee Ramona — January 14, 2009 #
hey, I agree with vive42 – you know you’re doing well, you know what to expect, and you’re good at this! I still have every faith in you
Comment by Chapati — January 14, 2009 #
The problem is that we do have to keep addressing these issues…the blighters won’t do the honourable thing and go away.
In fact I have addressed the same issue from a variety of different angles..although I have yet to do it from a sprawled position on the top of the wardrobe ( my next move) :>)
Weirdly it usually comes back to the same point..a sharp and painful one.
And that song “6 wheels on my wagon” is going round in my head.
I think I shall sing it to myself…beats counting sheep.
Hang on in there. A little lightbulb might switch on for you….others might come up with rallying words or comfort words or words that help in some way.
I am sending a hug… I have zilch words of wisdom xx
Comment by Mandy — January 14, 2009 #
I’m not beaten yet!!! I may have flu and a unpredictable personality but I am NOT spending the rest of my life worrying about my rating on The Wanker Scale of Twatology”!!!! You all rock, don’t give up, because I’m not. A bad day is just one bad day.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — January 14, 2009 #
Ms. Snow, don’t water the ground you’re trodding.
Keep walking; there’s a better place.
Comment by eshoe — January 14, 2009 #
This is a major point, isn’t it?
The constant judging of appearences, isn’t that what we put ourselves though daily?
I’m not innocent of doing it to others though – I’m cruel [albeit in my head] to overweight people. I never stop to think that maybe they go through the same cycles of binge, purge, starve, or they have a thyroid problem, or it’s a side effect of medication?
No. I just think about what I go through to be like this, because if I was any bigger I’d be voted not worthy of living and stoned to death in the street [or the social equivalent]. Yet, they get to look like that and are happy to be “bigger girls”, they are valued and have friends and nobody notices the fat Fat FAT except me and my messed up mind.
And then I feel bad for being so mean.
GG
xxx
Comment by Gutter Girl — January 14, 2009 #
your awesome. you kow that some day, your going to have to face food-or youll die. thats the reality. lola, its life or death, misery or vitality. do u think all the recovered ppl are lying to u when they say its worth it? we’re not out to get u. its still hard as shit, but im proud to say i thought about alot more than the calories in my lunch today.
Comment by seeleelive — January 15, 2009 #
I don’t have much to add to what everyone else has said. People who solely base everything on appearance are themselves very insecure people. And it really does get to a point of feeling sorry for them.
I think dealing with these issues that come up is good for you. It’s a way to suss out the ED thinking from your real thinking.
Hang in there!
Comment by Tiptoe — January 15, 2009 #
I want to believe this, most of me does believe it. I’m working on it, but damn it’s boring having to fight your dumbass brain all the time. Need to send my brain off to the repair shop I think!
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — January 15, 2009 #