A little bit Cheeky!
January 7, 2009 at 6:52 pm | In Eating disorders, Jake, Weight Issues | 30 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, growing, occupational health, recovery
I am. I am growing very cheeky, and I have to say it’s with more than a little self-satisfaction. I am having a cheeky cheeky day. The cheek I am referring to, or cheeks should I say, are the ones on my face, which seem to have blossomed into a proper person face in the past few days. The mask of anorexia is fading fast, although the tight jaw is still in evidence, I am putting this down primarily to the Tally-chew effect, jaw tensing a-go-go.
My first thought was mild panic, I’ll admit, there was an element of God-damn-it-I’m-going-back-I-want-my-cheekbones-razor-sharp-and-to-be-able-to-skin-a-rabbit-with-one-grin. Closely followed by a reminder that they weren’t actually cheekbones, they were hollows underneath the cheek bones, dark stains on my face making me look haunted and hunted. Like shadows of cheeks, cheeks which had been sucked away and digested with time and wanting. Not Vogue, just missing.
Then there was a brief recollection of my Dad referring to me as “chubby cheeks” when I was younger, I think it was a term of endearment, used long before they knew of my ED or even suspected. I did have to go to the mirror to check my face had not inflated outwards, like a hamster. It hadn’t, quelle surprise.
So the cheeks, I have decided, look considerably less alien. I am looking healthy. I also, just to let you know, have flesh on my stomach. Not really fat, it’s just not rock hard and covered in poppy out veins. It’s a little soft, like real flesh, not smooth and taut like plastic. My arms are less like forests of veins, and more like useful appendages. I’m trying to let it go. I’ll not lie, I’ve considered a number of times today losing all this weight again, but there seems little point in going back down that road again, I mean, it was a dead end.There really is no longevity in anorexia. So I had a brief speedy walk home, not for weight loss, just to burn off a bit of tension. Sitting still in the office is doing my head in after weeks of roaming and chain smoking when the fancy takes me.
So physical changes aplenty, I am lucky to be able to start looking well again, some people always retain that haggard look after recovery. There is no escaping their past, whereas I am just young enough to be able to escape with a few premature wrinkles, and a bunch of dark memories.
I had my occupation health appointment today. I was late, I was all plugged into my iPod. I downloaded The Ministry Of Sound Anthems Album last night, and my foot was a tap-tappetty-tapping so hypnotically, I missed my stop altogether. So I had to run through the sleety streets, to the old style house beats, and burst into the office all red nosed and puffy and flustered. As I was all flustered and rushy, I may have rambled a bit, I don’t think I let her get a word in edge ways for the first 30 minutes. You know when you just open your mouth and the words come flying out. Like verbal projectile vomiting. After she had wiped away the “and-and-and” from her face, and mentally added the requisite number of commas and full stops, she smiled. She seemed pleased with how upbeat I am, but reluctant to let me go back to full shifts and duties. She wants me to slow it down a bit. She thinks I am racing to get back to work too quickly, and I can see her point.
Though I’d rather not see her point, I want to be unreasonable and rush back to get my teeth into the job I am being paid to do. However, I think it’s a valid opinion, and frankly if I am really honest, then yes, I suppose I am nowhere near out of the woods yet, and definitely not guaranteed stability. So I figure I’ll try for once in my life to listen to reason, I mean she has done me the courtesy every time I have seen her, of listening to my opinion, so I guess I will slow down a bit. At work that is.
Meanwhile, back at Lola-Snow-Social-Central, things are heating up nicely. I have a works do on Friday night for a few drinks bidding an colleague goodbye, and catching up with a bunch of old friends. Then Saturday I am off adventuring for the night as it is another old acquaintance’s 30th Birthday. I sort of forgot about it, or rather when I was invited pretended to forget because I was so low. Today I decided I wouldn’t miss it for the world, and so spent a fair bit of work time on the phone organising transport and a hotel. Phew, this month could get a bit pricey! Better phone Zurich and move some money around (Actually phone Egg and do another balance transfer, but lets face it, that doesn’t sound anywhere near as exciting!)
Speaking of 30ths, Jake is soon having his, and somehow I have got roped into organising a surprise party. I don’t know eh? You send one little email on Facebook asking for photo’s of your Brother, and it suddenly snowballs…. It might take his mind off the fact he has broken up with NewGirl again. I’m saying nothing, nothing I tell you!!! Nope. Not going to say I told you so!
I also managed to get that letter in the post to the Medical Records Office, so I reckon the first refusal should come in a couple of weeks time! For anyone who has been following the Lola-is-she-Borderline-or-not saga, or would like to know a bit more about Borderline Personality Disorder, then you might like to read an article published by CBTish today. Seems particularly topical if you follow this blog, and makes for interesting reading with some different perspective than my vinegary rants on the subject.
I think that covers everything but the kitchen sink. I could cover the kitchen sink too, but it’s currently nice and clean and shiny after I got a bit over excited doing the cleaning earlier. Which is always good because next time one of my housemate monopolises the bathroom, I can do my makeup in the kitchen sink instead. Although it makes my forehead look huge, and my chin look like a beak.
Lola x
PS I might even have found a dentist, but by the time I got in they had closed for the day.
PPS The pictures in my head came back last night. Only glimpses, but I have some ideas for new paintings already! If you are interested on seeing a few more of my old pieces, I’m on Facebook as Ms Lola Snow.
30 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a comment
Feed Me!
Ego Wall
-
-
-
Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.
It’s so nice to see you upbeat, Lola. You’re doing great work!
Comment by Laura — January 7, 2009 #
Fantastic. You sound like you’re doing really, REALLY well. I’m so glad.
Comment by Marste — January 7, 2009 #
OH, and PS! Isn’t it nice to have a therapist who ACTUALLY LISTENS? Shocking.
But it does also make it easier to listen to HER, doesn’t it? Funny how easy it is to respect people when THEY respect YOU, too.
Sorry for all the caps. I feel a little strongly about this, LOL.
Comment by Marste — January 7, 2009 #
Keep it up! xx
Comment by Kate — January 7, 2009 #
if you had no second thoughts or reservations at all i’d be way more worried- i’d be thinking you were bound to come down to earth all at once and not have any defense. i’m still jealous- and inspired as well- by your progress. keep it up!
Comment by vive42 — January 7, 2009 #
I’m with vive42 – You are inspiring.
(Er, hope that didn’t come off as stalkerish. I just admire the way you’re dealing with this.)
Comment by Razzler — January 7, 2009 #
You art is fantastic, lady.
Comment by Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive — January 7, 2009 #
Uh Oh! I am getting a) a big head b) a terror that I am going to find the talent has pissed off along with my eating disorder, another excuse to try and hold onto ED, or a genuine fear that misery inspires creativity….oh boy.
I guess I’ll never find out till I try
Thanks for the encouragement!
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — January 7, 2009 #
Hi Lola
Seems like you have been a busy bee (and in good ways)
Glad you are on the up and hope it continues
xx
Comment by Mandy — January 7, 2009 #
you are awesome Lola. Wow girl. This is so amazing. To be truthful, I really like your description of the healthy you. I can connect with that so much. Your a beautiful person, and I have never met you. Fuck Ed-live life!
Comment by seeleelive — January 7, 2009 #
Yeah! I’m back baby with bells on! May be a little full of beans this evening – bean sprouts, mmmm chicken and cashew nut stirfry mmmmm!
Bouncy bouncy bouncy wheeeee
See Lola Live too! xx
Comment by Lola Snow — January 8, 2009 #
Weird. The diagnostic criteria for BPD says absolutely sod-all about bad behaviour like acting out, being hurtful, being manipulative… it’s all about depressive-type symptoms and feeling disconnected. When did this label come to mean “arsehole” when it appears the medical definition is “lost in a sea of pain” and doesn’t involve illtreating others at all.
Comment by DeeDee Ramona — January 8, 2009 #
I meant the CBT ish article was weird.
Comment by DeeDee Ramona — January 8, 2009 #
I think it came to mean arsehole when Psychiatry started to apply it to anyone that pissed them off or disagreed with them. A lovely case of black and white thinkng by those supposed to be helping people avoid it. They disagree – they are clearly wrong.
The diagnostic criteria are so wishwashy that you could apply them to the majority of the population anyway, and the assumption that BDP sufferers are prone to “acting out, being hurtful, being manipulative” possibly comes from the few who do fit the trait of threats of suicide/self harm/difficulty controlling anger, when presented with challenging interpersonal situations.
That’s where diagnonsense falls down time and again, not all people fit all criteria, hence the crapness of diagnosing a personality disorder unless someone is an extreme case.
That’s my take on it anyway.
Comment by Lola Snow — January 8, 2009 #
Yeh – I was a bit baffled by that article too. Clearly most of my friends and all of my family are closet BPD.
Lola – when you are fully recovered and you look back at pictures of yourself when you had your ed (that’s assuming you have/keep any), you will see your ‘illness’ so glaringly, perhaps as others have seen it and felt concern, and I promise you or at least I hope – you will never want to go back there again.
i haven’t seen your artwork so i might just take a quick peek now.
Keep well
K.
Comment by loopykate — January 8, 2009 #
Dearest Lola,
you are opening your life. You are going places you need to, to recover. And so am I. And I hate it and love it; it doesn’t ake any sense.
But…..I keep doing it. Those ribs, those cheekbones…those hipbones….I miss them too, as I feel them disappearing more and more every day. But I feel me coming back, so I am working my hardest to not let the little stuff impede my process.
I suspect we are in similar boats, down the same stream.
Comment by eshoe — January 8, 2009 #
Hello you, glad you’re looking cheeky
Let me know how the dentist turns out.
x
Comment by Vivienne — January 8, 2009 #
Keep it up, you cheeky thing.
Comment by Reas — January 8, 2009 #
Thankyou all! Cheeky Lola Loves her new cheeks!
Comment by Lola Snow — January 8, 2009 #
It’s so good to hear you sounding so positive, and upbeat, Lola
It’s all going to be a new learning curve for you I guess? Just take it so and steady. And, above all else, be kind to yourself!
All the very best babe
xx
Comment by Lindsay — January 8, 2009 #
Thanks Lins! I do like being a bit more normal looking, even if the future is looking murky, right now I am pretty happy (very happy!)
xx
Comment by Lola Snow — January 8, 2009 #
Not sure where DeeDee gets “depressive-type symptoms and feeling disconnected” for BPD. I see words like “pervasive”, “frantic”, “extremes”, “unstable”, “self-damaging”, “threats”, “inappropriate” and “delusions”. That is, people who really have BPD are not just a bit difficult sometimes, they’re completely bonkers all the time, and in ways that cause terrible distress to those around them.
I agree — the article is weird. It’s about weird and terrible things.
(Sorry, Lola, to push in here. I’m glad you were feeling happy, though as I write this I already know how short a time it lasted.)
Comment by cbtish — January 8, 2009 #
No worries CBTish push in all you like. I always love a good borderline debate because it’s one of those issues which just keeps contradicting itself the more it is debated. I will agree that there are some sufferers with extreme BDP who are completely out of control, I can think of several who I have come in contact with through my job, and they do cause chaos wherever they go. I can also think of many who are not. I can think of many non BDP’s that cause chaos and distruction too. That said, if people are willing to argue that BDP is somewhere in the bi-polar spectrum (i’ve read about this alot) then the chances are there is a spectrum of BDP too.
The other difference I always get the distinct impression is touted about like a bad smell, is that unlike “Mental illnesses” like bi-polar disorder, which are believed to have biological roots, the general consensus is that BDP is a nuture issue, not a nature one. Automatically dialling up the stigma which everyone faces about mental illness – no test for it, no sign of an injury – they are faking and a pain in the arse. I assume this contributes to the “it’s their own fault for being difficult” attitude which makes the term become further synonymous with “arsehole”. Which, for the zillionth time, let me state for the record is NOT my opinion of BDP sufferers.
I don’t know enough about neuroscience to give an accurate argument, but it’s my understanding that BDP may well involve some changes in brain structure impacting on impulsivity and impulse control too. hence the links with bulimia.
Lola x
If anyone is reading this from the archives (God I am mental, addressing my future audience) then you might want to read this post which started this controversy…
Comment by Lola Snow — January 8, 2009 #
Well, as you always love a good borderline debate, I’ll continue for a bit
Borderline is not the only personality disorder. There are plenty of others. So there are people around who are obviously not borderline, but who equally cause widespread chaos. If they really are unable to relate normally to anyone at all, and if they have been like this all their adult lives, then they could have one of the other personality disorders. A job that involves contact with several such people must be stressful!
The nature/nurture part is controversial. The current classification puts bipolar along with depression (things that develop in response to life events), and it puts borderline and the other personality disorders along with mental retardation (things that go wrong in the brain independently of life events). But as you point out, there is some evidence that this classification is wrong. In the case of borderline, intensive and long-term forms of CBT have turned out to be fairly effective as treatments, suggesting that any changes in the brain are reversible.
Comment by cbtish — January 9, 2009 #
Is that the same as DBT, or is this another form of therapy altogether? And I am not talking about giant jenga or the name game (Re Hannahs comment on complex needs)
I wonder if the brain changes are reversible, like a liver regenerating, or whether the patients are just taught good techniques to manage the stress of them but the feelings of heightened emotion are just as intense? I really am just spouting hot air, because without reading up more on this (and even then the answer would seem fairly conflicted) it’s all just conjecture on my part.
I do wonder though if the cases which are “cureable” would be the cases which are at the less severe end of the scale, this is my permanent beef with diagnosis by opinion of a third party without a medical test. Like just because the behaviours cease doesn’t necessarily mean the person doesn’t spend every day feeling just as they did before.
Yet again one of my ED fears, that yes I might manage to knock the bahaviour on the head, but might spend the rest of my days fighting every thought off just as I did before, because I am just programmed differently.
Comment by Lola Snow — January 9, 2009 #
One of them is DBT. The other seems to have no particular name, but it’s based on schema therapy. Both are variants of CBT, with DBT being more behavioural, and the schema approach being more cognitive.
Trying to find out the name of the schema approach, I came across this fascinating chapter from a book I have long been meaning to buy. Intriguingly, prof. dr. Arntz agrees with you precisely (page 9):
“Thus, DBT might be especially effective in reducing self-damaging BPD behavior but not effective in reducing the emotional suffering of these patients”
The schema approach focuses on fixing underlying patterns of thinking and feeling directly, so that emotional recovery is likely to be more complete.
In less severe conditions like yours, the theory is that changing behaviours causes the underlying feelings to change, just because that’s the way the mind works. Personally, I am not entirely convinced, which is why I go on about real CBT having a strong cognitive focus.
Comment by cbtish — January 12, 2009 #
Wow, thanks for sharing that CBTish, that is really interesting. I am a bit of a geek for reading up on this stuff, it is fascinating. I wonder why DBT seems so publicised as being the answer for BDP, if that is because the success rate is higher, it is quicker/cheaper, or if it is just easier to do? Everywhere I look DBT is the buzzword for treating BDP.
In my opinion, certainly for ED’s I do think a patient needs to make that cognitive shift in order to change the behaviour. Sometimes endless distraction or trying relaxation just doesn’t do it. And it becomes just that, delaying the inevitable. I can only delay a behaviour so many times before I get exhausted. Sort of like changing the behaviour is just giving a man a fish, but CBT is giving him A Net, right?
But then learning all the theories actually seems to have hampered my progress somewhat. I can think of a few people who visit this site, extremely intelligent people who have done all the research, learnt all the background that they can, but in doing so have then emotionally detached from the subject. It makes it easier not to engage with the theories and apply them to yourself. I can waffle on for ages about the correct approach, the rational approach etc, but a considerable amount of time that reframing switch just fails to click, and try as I might I just can’t see things the way I am supposed to. Just like some people can’t see magic eye pictures.
I want to believe it is practice, but I really am not sure. Thanks for all your input.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — January 12, 2009 #
Cheeks are always a good look I think turning up late to occie health in a flustered rushed state could be a good thing – surely it gives the impression that you are busy out there having a life and not moping in front of the TV every night.
I’m intrigued when you refer to “full shifts and duties” – what do you do? Shiftwork is both an absolute bugger and a blessing in disguise for the eating disorderlied.
If you’re in a healthy recovery mindset; it’s a pain because its impossible to establish any kind of regular eating pattern, and never have the time to prepare anything. If you’re on the destructive slide it’s a blessing because you can skip meals left right and centre and no one even realises.
I’ve been working 8-4 for a week and two days now (due to injury see my blog). Initially I found it helpful because it meant I could create a meal plan and stick to it. I have breaks at appropriate times for lunch, and I can plan my evenings around having some dinner at a reasonable hour. Yet already I am in quite a rigid routine with food: I eat exactly the same thing for breakfast every day, exactly the same thing for lunch every day, and I am obsessive about having to eat each meal at exactly the same time.
Hmm, perhaps regular working hours aren’t necessarily helpful if you’re already a food wierdo
Comment by Crazy Nurse — January 13, 2009 #
I find a similar problem but then I have been off shifts for months now, and have no idea how I am going to wangle my new healthy eating attitudes into shift work. It was a brilliant excuse to restrict all day for convenience. When I go back I’ll either work 7-4, or 10-6, 7-3, or 12-8, in a 4 week rotating pattern. One weekend in every four. They are talking about changing the later shift to a midnight finish but they’ll struggle to finance the extra allowance. There is nowhere to buy food really within walking distance, so I’ll have to pull my finger out and take supplies in! Grrr. Am I too old for a lunchbox (not a euphemism)
As for what I do? Hmmmmm. Lets say “security” for want of a better word.
Comment by Lola Snow — January 13, 2009 #
[...] and I’m cranking up a way of fitting my meal plan around it. As CrazyNurse pointed out in a prevous post, shift work is wonderfully conducive to disordered eating, and this has been taken onboard for a [...]
Pingback by Dieters, Diaries and Dentists « Marine Snow — December 20, 2009 #