Cold Turkey? But it’s not even Christmas yet!
December 3, 2008 at 2:42 pm | In Eating disorders, Medication, Weight Issues | 27 CommentsTags: anorexia, binge, borderline personality disorder, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, lamictal, purging, therapy
I’ve had an interesting 12 hours. Remind me never to try heroin, I’d be hooked for life. I’m not exactly noted for my high pain threshold, but at about 2 o’clock this morning I was beginning to wish that I’d never started this little adventure. I didn’t have dead babies crawling across the ceiling, but I felt none too pretty!
The banging in my skull started last night at about half past ten. i know that it was about half past ten, because I’d just finished listening to Seaneens Radio Broadcast. I’m pretty sure the two factors weren’t actually linked in any way, because it was great interview, and well worth a listen if you have some time. Seaneen and Mandy joined Claudia Hammond on BBC Radio 4, to discuss why blogs about mental health have become so popular. I don’t know about you, but whilst I’m sitting at home cradling my wibbly head in my hands, and wailing like a wet cloth down a window, its a heartwarming feeling to know that somewhere out there, someone across the other side of the world is also suffering. Someone else is also rocking back and forth whilst making wistful eyes at the cutlery drawer. Yes, it’s a beautiful thing the mental health blogosphere. No, seriously listen to the interview it’s worth it.
The banging headache continued. I necked a handful of paracetamol, then realised why I don’t take the vile things, not only am I pretty sure I’m immune, they make me want to heave. Something about 15 years of shoving your fingers down your throat on a regular basis, seems to knacker your swallowing mechanism. I always end up choking, which is doubly painful if you have a cracking headache. I hoped that the headache might be due to a cold, but I haven’t actually got any other symptoms of a cold, so I think it is more likely to be due to sudden, (and some might say ill-advised) medication cessation…oooh a rhyme. Yes, just for the record, when they put all those warnings on the insert, y’know the one advising you of the dangers in noncompliance, it’s for a reason. Apparently abruptly stopping psychiatric meds can cause side effects, they are not just trying to fill both sides of the information leaflet and make themselves look clever. Nope. it actually does happen.
Around 11 o’clock the headache began to feel like someone was gently massaging my temples with a jackhammer, and moved on to being stroked around the back of the skull with a cricket bat. The bat wielder was apparently lonely, and by midnight he’d invited several of his friends around, which was quite lovely.
Of course, there is a slight chance that i had not helped myself. After all my good intentions of eating and trying to look slightly less like a crack whore, I crumbled. I purged the chicken and rice, which I’d had for dinner. The dinner that I’d smugly chowed down, consumed in a fit of decadence never before seen in the land of anorectics. In order to stick with the game plan, i did manage to replace said purged dinner, with another pint of full cream milk, and 15 jelly belly jelly beans. i’m fairly certain that meal combination cannot be found on a professional diet plan for a recovering anorexic, however, I justified the ridiculous mixture with a combination of apathy, self-pity and wibbling. Needless to say the dehydration, and crashing sugar levels, combined with emotional exhaustion, and head cold, didn’t help matters. oh yes, and i am have a pain threshold that an ant could walk over.
The chills set in about 2am. It’s hard to know whether this is a side effect of the meds, or a reaction to the way I have fallen off the wagon recently. For anyone who doesn’t know, having a low level of body fat, means you have less padding to temperature extremes. That coupled with having insufficient energy to keep warm, results in people with Anorexia being pretty susceptible to the cold. I’m still so caught up in my ED that I actually find these bout’s of shivers, I don’t know, maybe almost comforting? I used to gauge a successful day, by measuring how cold I was at the end of it. So, to begin with I didn’t mind the rushing fingers of death down my spine. I was quite chuffed with my goose bumps, and shivering.
The novelty wore off quickly, and the wobbling started. Being dizzy whilst lying down is no fun whatsoever. The only thing you can do to make yourself feel a bit better when you are dizzy, is to lie down. So I was f*cked. Again it could have been lack of fuel, but it felt in the same ballpark as being spaced out on drugs. If you have ever had the pleasure (and I say that sarcastically so don’t get any ideas) of taking Ketamine, then this was pretty similar. I don’t like being whacked off my head like that. It’s unnerving.
Needless to say going to work today wasn’t really on the cards. My long standing and ever suffering boss, has once again saved my ass, and I have until Monday to get back to normality. Or at least something which resembles normality, for me.
I can tell that I haven’t been eating enough lately, either that or I am more screwed up from withdrawal than I thought. I went shopping earlier for some milk and some cigarettes, and touched base with reality about 2 hours later. I’d zoned out completely, and am now the proud owner of about 40 quids worth of food shopping. Not for binging you understand? No, just for keeping. It’s all lined up nicely in the cupboards, with the labels facing the right way, and the edges all symmetrical. Food hoarding is fairly stereotypical in cases of calorie restriction. I should probably cite someone there, but I can’t be arsed. Maybe I’ll cite myself? Snow et Al (2008, Bournemouth Bedroom Study). Yes, so that coupled with the fact that I am cold, tired and not even hungry, usually indicates my body is merrily eating something it shouldn’t be. I’d hazard a guess that something, would probably be the weight I have just spent the past two weeks acquiring, and accepting. Hence why I am lying in bed trying to eat the biggest bowl of muesli ever seen in the history of the world. I am not joking, I need a trough and a shovel to consume this lot.
The trouble is, it seems to me that if weight gets a push one way, it gets a little momentum, and just keeps going in that direction. When I gain a pound, it seems another 2 or 3 always follow, but if I lose one, then it just starts to fall off again. Obviously I am not weighing myself, but I do think once you get to a fairly low weight, it’s pretty obvious when you lose a little bit or gain some back. This balance thing is trickier than it seems. It almost makes restriction or weight gain seem like the easy options.
Lola x
PS Oh yes, and I don’t feel depressed. Am very energetic, and restless now, and I had racing thoughts earlier. I figure it will take quite some time for my brain chemistry to get back to normal….if ever.
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So…you’re on your way, and you’re winning. Impressive.
Comment by cbtish — December 3, 2008 #
Poor Lola
(
It’s a good sign you have enough energy to write this post now.
Hugs…lots and lots of them…
Comment by Chapati — December 3, 2008 #
Pleased that you’re able to post about it all, and with your usual wit and humour about a pretty awful thing. It can’t be *that* much fun.
Take care girl…
John x
Comment by John — December 3, 2008 #
What a hellish experience. I have no idea how you cope.
Comment by Laura — December 3, 2008 #
Thanks guys. I think it’s still early days 63 hours without any drugs so far. I really should stop looking up the potential disasterous consequences of suddenly stopping an anti-convulsant though….
Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #
I like to look for the *worst* possible scenario to everything too. I don’t get headaches, I get brain tumours etc..
The internet is a dangerous toy sometimes.
You should pick up a guitar and lay off the keyboard for a bit
Take it easy..
John
Comment by John — December 3, 2008 #
LOL! I’d pick up a guitar but I’m too scared to stand up in case I have a grand mal….I really should have paid attention to Crazy meds
“If you’ve been taking anticonvulsants (also known as “mood stabilizers” in Bipolarland) for a few months or longer and need to stop, you can’t stop cold turkey at all. Unlike stopping SSRIs the effects of sudden discontinuation aren’t just viciously unpleasant, they are dangerous. You run the risk of having seizures on top of your bipolar getting worse. These run the gamut from partial complex or absence seizures to tonic-clonic grand mals. Maybe you’ll have this problem, maybe you won’t, there’s no way to tell. If you never had a seizure before that doesn’t mean you won’t start flopping around like a fish out of water. The risk is worse if you’re taking a lithium variant, and/or any antidepressant, especially Wellbutrin (bupropion hydrochloride). Anticonvulsants need to be gradually discontinued to prevent any seizure activity from happening ooops
Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #
Shit… That doesn’t sound very good at all. Is there anything you can do now, or are you “locked in” and we’re hoping for the best?
I don’t suppose a flopping, fish out of water Lola is a very good way to spend an afternoon.
If there’s some way to salvage this situation, I think you should do it.
Take care…
John x
Comment by John — December 3, 2008 #
Nah! i knew it already, I’m just revealing in the DANGER hahahaha.
Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #
As long as you knew the dangers, I guess it’s just like jumping out an aeroplane.
It *could* go a bit wrong… but let’s hope not.
Take it easy…
John x
Comment by John — December 3, 2008 #
I hope that you are okay Lola, I’m a bit worried that you have just stopped taking the medicine like that. I can understand why, but please be careful
Melissa
Comment by Melissa — December 3, 2008 #
Hi Melissa
I’m fine, I still have a headache but you don’t need to worry.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #
Hiya,
Just a wee “hope you’re doing ok” type message.
Cheers..
John x
Comment by John — December 3, 2008 #
I know the feeling Lola. Sudden off meds for me = Worst Headaches Ever ™, achey joints, flu-ish symptoms (so all signs of something fecked up in the brain) plus the horrible, uncontrollable itching… And of course the mood issues! Luckily no seizures, but there’s always next time
I only went cold turkey once intentionally (preserve the high, weeee!) but that went wrong as anyone sane could have predicted. Nowadays it’s only because I’m too lazy/forgetful to get a repeat prescription :S
So yeah, I’m going to tell you to ignore all everyone says about their experiences of coming off anti-convulsants and stop looking on teh interwebs for things that can go wrong. Though you probably know it all by now…
Comment by nickopotamus — December 3, 2008 #
Hi Lola, hope it all goes well with you. I quite understand the impulsive decision to come off all at once, even knowing that it’s not necessarily the best method. It’s as if once the decision is made, it’s in black and white. I’ve “cold-turkeyed” on Valproate three times in the last six months, and thankfully didn’t have any serious problems. This isn’t a recommendation! Just an anecdote! Take care, and all the best, David
Comment by abysmal musings — December 3, 2008 #
Hi babes put the credit card down&back away from the munchies draw!!!!!!!! i hopes that u is over the worst now do u no how long 2 u r gonna be ok again?
Comment by Incognito — December 4, 2008 #
Evening all.
No dead babies on the ceiling yet so that is a relief. Thanks for your thoughts, I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my arse, but I’m sure things will settle down pretty shortly. In light of a better plan I have resorted to more milk and jelly beans. Can’t go wrong with sugar and full fat before bed…
(Famous last words!)
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — December 4, 2008 #
oh yes, the milk and jelly beans are a perfect substitute for proper nutrition. well known fact.
(possibly you might want to consider changing course prior to falling off that particular cliff again, but if not there’s always dashing your brains off at the bottom of it to look forward to)
Comment by vive42 — December 4, 2008 #
Forward planning? Prudence? No fear of that happening anytime soon
Comment by Lola Snow — December 4, 2008 #
Hang in there…. when the dead babies appear, time to call in some additional help. But until that happens you seem to be reasonably coherent. Good luck!
Comment by petrona — December 4, 2008 #
The Purple People Eater insists that perhaps you might want to consult someone…
I hope you’re OK.
Comment by Reas — December 4, 2008 #
I’m a-hanging. It seems to be ok, but I have myself under the watchful eye of sensible Lola! Thanks for your concern guys
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — December 4, 2008 #
Hi Lola.
What an honest piece you have written here – and I hope that doesn’t smack of sycophancy. Yup. We shop for ‘things to keep’ and ‘things to puke’ don’t we? I despise food shopping. I have to avoid those aisles which contain the ‘goodies’.
What are we getting out of this? It’s a question I ask myself repeatedly. I know my own answer, but I wonder about other sufferers.
My own ED started off as bulimia, progressed to bulimarexia and has now hit rock-bottom as anorexia. I have the whole gamut. Makes me puke (metaphorically!).
My 11 year old daughter, only this morning, lambasted, and poked fun at me for soiling bed clothes due to excessive laxative intake. It was a point of jest for her, which is fair enough. To me, it was heart-wrenchingly embarrassing. She asked me why I do it? Why don’t you just NOT take laxatives. Why don’t you just EAT?
If we could answer those questions, honestly, would we be here?
Take care. XX
Comment by Annie T — December 4, 2008 #
I got six hits this morning from the search term:
“How do I stop Bulimia?”
I wish those people would tell me if they found any answers here!!! I’m sure I must know them, but can’t see the wood for the trees.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — December 4, 2008 #
Lola, I really thank you for writing this. When I abruptly stopped my SSRI that I had been taking for months, no one believed me when I said I was having withdrawal symptoms, not even the doctor who prescribed them to me. She said that the half-life of the SSRI was way too high for me to feel anything so soon.
But it felt like I wasn’t living. It felt like I was dreaming, all the time, like I wasn’t “there”. I got incredible chills, tremors, zaps, nausea, you name it. I felt like all of my organ systems were slowly crumbling to pieces. And that was just the physical stuff. I was emotionally losing it. But I wasn’t crying or making a fuss — I just felt like my consciousness was slowly dragging me off the face of the earth, because I was gripped in this silent and inexplicable pain.
Comment by lubinka114 — December 6, 2008 #
I don’t suppose that it was Prozac was it? If it was, then your doc was a fool. It’s a well known phenomenon. I hope you are better now?
Comment by Lola Snow — December 6, 2008 #
Doctors need to accept that these drugs are REAL DRUGS, and that their withdrawal symptoms are real and sudden as well. And they also need to accept that they don’t understand how these drugs work yet — it’s stupid to deny any claim a patient makes about how the drugs are affecting them, even if it denies “common sense”.
Comment by lubinka114 — December 6, 2008 #