A Plan, no bones about it.

December 2, 2008 at 11:30 am | In Eating disorders, Family, Jake, Medication, Moodiness, The Study | 26 Comments
Tags: anorexia, binge, borderline personality disorder, bulimia, CMHT, denial, depression, Eating disorders, FirstShrink, GP, lamictal, mental hospital, MoodShrink, NHS, purging, therapy, treatment

Well, I has had my pondering hat upon my noggin, and I’ve thought long and hard about the medication situation. I have a cunning plan in place,

“Cunning like the fox?” You cry.

No, cunning like a desperate man dying of dehydration, in the desert. That is, If water was professional support, and the desert was the NHS mental health services. Sometimes being mentally ill in the mental health system, feels like being a wheelchair user trying to negotiate a hospital with nothing but staircases. Eventually you have to go in armed with a sledgehammer and smash your way through to your destination.

The basic idea was to launch the pills in the bin, and take over the world. Something told me this might have been a slightly bad idea, and a little shortsighted. That seeing as what the pills are supposed to be preventing, my current mood now they aren’t working, and how stereotypical this decision would be in light of someone swinging from the chandeliers. I spoke to my brother Jake on the phone for ages last night, and then to my folks, and have put together the following course of action.

I have today off work. I am coming off the medication, all of it. I chucked it out last night. They did try to convince me to wean myself off it gradually. In fact the words:

“Flipping idiot,” and
“You aren’t thinking clearly,” and
“Stop laughing and listen for a second”

were used repeatedly. I think I countered with

“Ha ha ha ha hahaaaaa” and
“I’ll be fine! I’m always fine” and
“It’s ok I know what I’m doing, you worry too much”

Obviously these were very well thought out, particularly intellectual responses, even if I do say so myself. I am true debate team material.

I know I should wean myself off the meds slowly, but I’m just sick of them. It’s a bit like knowing you have a little pouch of spiders eggs hatching under your skin, when you hear the news, you just want them gone. Period. I’m itchy with medication hatred, and perhaps twitchy for a little reality. Depression will be calm, in compared to the nest of bees in my head. All these buzzing could bees, and should bees and may bees. I know there is a fair amount of risk in stopping suddenly, but I lost interest in being a good patient, when no one could give me a good reason as to why I am poisoning myself daily, with pills which don’t even work. Besides, I’m just another f*ck up aren’t I? I’m supposed to do things like this. I’m just being my emotionally unstable, irresponsible self.

The trouble is, I’ve lost my baseline “Me”. I can only ever remember being depressed as hell and in a haze, or being overly chirpy. I’m not going to go into all the reasons as to why they were just so ridiculously wrong yesterday, I think that is probably quite apparent from the post itself. I never claimed to be Bipolar, that’s why I have never attached the label to myself. I’ve always been of the opinion that I have plenty of problems already thanks, I’m not really interested in acquiring further labels to deal with. I stuck to the “medication makes Lola go a bit funny” theory. To me, adding another diagnosis to my mentalist CV would involve doing a little digging through areas of my history, which I do my best not to think about. I suppose if pushed then I could give you a few examples of periods of unmedicated high mood, but strangely enough, these are all the memories interwoven with acute shame of the way I behaved, and therefore I’m a tad reluctant to go into any detail. I suppose you could argue that bearing in mind some of the things I’ve admitted to on this blog, that a few minor misdemeanours could hardly be that bad. I suppose it’s just another excuse I’m making.

Its always seemed to me, that information has never filtered down correctly through the system. The fact that my GP has no correspondence from the hospital as to why I am actually taking a mood stabiliser, seems just wrong. I have suspicions that a considerable amount of miscommunication occurred, from FirstShrink not communicating with MoodShrink, on the basis of dented professional pride. It cannot do much to stroke the ego of a professional, when they wrongly medicate a patient for a year, causing a multitude of side effects, only to find out they had missed a fairly obvious possibility. It was made very clear to MoodShrink (because she told me) that my mood disorder was to be kept well apart from my eating disorder. I’ve never established if this was because I was partaking in a private research trial for the ED, or whether this was some professional protocol which went with the territory.

I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever the diagnosis of “Borderline Personality Disorder” has been chucked in there at some point. I couldn’t give a tiny rats arse. I am the first to admit that someone who thinks it is a reasonable life mission, to starve themselves into child size clothing, must have something a tad wonky in the personality department. Unfortunately I happen to quite like my personality, and am not interested in the slightest in ironing out my dents and chips. I may strive for perfection in all other areas of my life, but I quite enjoy my eccentricities, passionate nature, and inability to keep my humour under raps. They make me who I am, and the general consensus is that “Lola Snow” is good to know. If that is a defected personality, then I accept it, wear it, and dance down the street in it, in a big f*cking wonky, shonky personality parade.

The general family consensus is that I am doing the right thing but probably in the wrong way. To ensure the risk is reduced, I am going to be emailing my parents once every afternoon, and texting Jake once in the morning and once at night. If I don’t do this, I am likely to find the local constabulary on my doorstep, which would be a tad embarrassing to say the least. I mean, what would the neighbours think? Actually they wouldn’t see. They’d all be in their bathrooms flushing heroin down the toilet. I’ve also told my housemate the plan too, so she knows to check on me if the house seems a tad quiet.

So today I am enjoying day one of the meds wearing off. But as anyone knows, this is always the fun day. A little like sleep deprivation, or jet lag. The pain only really kicks in after 48 hours. For the first 24, you just float about in a haze. At the moment, there is just a party in my head, and everyone is invited.

Jake did mention on the phone last night, that since my visit, NewGirl and him have spoken more about her ED. It has come to light, that her initial claim of “I used to be Bulimic“ has turned into “Sometimes I still binge and purge”, and then into “I am actively Bulimic”. He also said that it was my appearance that triggered off the conversation. He said

“We spoke about it after you came up to visit, you know, I had to explain”
“Why?” I asked, knowing the answer, but hoping he wouldn’t say it, but also hoping he would
“Because, well, just look at you, Lola, I had to say something, you look like a prisoner of war”
“Oh,” I said quietly, grinning inwardly, then remembering that I don’t look like that anymore.

and the ED said, very loudly

“BUT NOT ANYMORE YOU FAT UGLY COW!!!
YOU HAVE GAINED WEIGHT SINCE THEN,
YOU’RE TWICE THE SIZE NOW!
LOOK AT THE SIZE
OF YOUR THIGHS
AND THE WIDTH
OF YOUR HIPS
AND THE SPACE
OF YOUR WAIST!
YOU HAVE LET YOURSELF GO
LAZY SLUT LOLA SNOW!”

And ever since I have been trying, oh how I have been trying to ignore the little aftershock, the little echo of:

“If you start now, you can be back to those UK4’s by Christmas. You can fix this, but you have to act now. You have to do something now, you have to! You have to! You have to!”

Because I don’t really want to go back to being that thin. What I want is to go back to that day, because I had so much fun. And I felt so free doing something silly and random, like drinking a glass of wine with a complete stranger at 11.00 on a Sunday morning, in an unknown city. Or watching my Brother run a half marathon in the rain, and hugging his sweaty back as he is wrapping himself in a silver blanket, like a Sunday roast. Getting lost in a huge crowd of people, and getting scared, then remembering that I don’t have to be scared anymore, I am older and wiser now, and not every stranger is a danger to me. I believe that they call this “living”. It’s an alien concept to a depressed Anorexic. I only want the safety of restriction, to focus on the calm of my collarbones, rather than the chaos of a mental health non-diagnosis, and a world which just makes no sense. Apart from days like today, when it makes too much sense to believed. I do not need my bones to protect me anymore, I protect my bones.

That was the old me, with the bones and baggage. There is no place for that in my life now.

Lola x

26 Comments »

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OK first, take care of yourself because doctors do not abide by first do no harm.

Want proof that mental health professionals have gone crazy, read this. It’s unbelievable.

(((( Lola )))

Comment by Dark Sarcasm — December 2, 2008 #

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OMG!!! That’s insane – if you excuse the pun!!!

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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Hey Lola,

A brave move indeed. It’s like weening yourself off an addiction, except that this was one that was prescribed to you by the doctors…I really hope it goes well. You can add me to the list of people to text/email when you’re feeling like crap if you like.

I think you can do it. I think by this time next year you’ll be looking at yourself going, ‘geez, did i really need those meds!?’

Good luck!

Chapati

Comment by Chapati — December 2, 2008 #

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Thanks C. I’m not sure it will mean an end to meds, but it will mean a fresh look at just how depressed I am off them, and whether there is a more sensible combination I can take. Part two of the plan is to wait a few weeks, then get a private referral to a specialist consultant – i have found one in my area who i can just about afford with a bit of help from santa claus. he should be able to assess, without that stupid file following me. and hopefully i can just give him the link to these last few pages, so he understands the sitch.

Cheers for the morale support honey

Lola xx

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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Stop generalising. It’s a flawed study. Doesn’t mean that the entire profession and science of psychiatry is wrong.

lola, sounds like you really need to find a shrink that you feel comfortable with and who appears competent. And your an idiot for going cold turkey on your meds. You can’t even go half medication one day?

Comment by NiroZ — December 2, 2008 #

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I am an idiot. But I’m OK with my idiocy.
I’ve tried doing things the “right” way for two years. And its got me into a whole heap of trouble. I am doing it my way now.

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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I can hear the frustration in your post. Just make sure you stay safe, keep in touch with your family, and let them know if things do start to go off the rails a bit….. it’s all about your safety from here on in.

Good luck.

Comment by petrona — December 2, 2008 #

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Thanks for the support P. It’s amazing how supportive my family are being, either that or I am just so used to be treated like an infant by MHP, that any conversation without patronising undertones seems wonderous.
The way I see it, judging by my mood over the past couple of weeks, the slight chance of a seizure seems a fair risk to take in comparison to a fit of rage and despair and self destruction.

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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[...] is one of the logs in the NHS mental health jam, but she has a plan to break free. In A Plan, no bones about it, she tells of the nightmare of conflicting diagnosis, miscommunication, and inept attempts to make [...]

Pingback by Log jam « cbtish — December 2, 2008 #

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Lola, do be careful going off cold turkey of meds. I hope they side effects are minimal. I know you’re frustrated by the medical profession in general with all its miscommunication, bad info., and label partaking. Still though, I just think you haven’t found the right one yet. Is there a way you can do some research beforehand?

On a lighter note, I’m super happy to hear that you are fighting off those evil ED voices and reminding yourself of simple pleasures.

Comment by Tiptoe — December 2, 2008 #

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Hi Tiptoe. It can be a little risky, but I have the support in place should it all go wrong. Plus I have the pleasure of a cold as well, so it’s hard to tell what is withdrawal and what is cold! I am doing the best thing in the circumstances, lying in bed, surfing t’internet, and eating a strawberry yogurt! I could stay here forever…

Lola (Forked Carrot!) xx

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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As someone who has done this herself I can hardly give you dire warnings and lectures. be careful, and once you’re on the other side hopefully you’ll be able to think clearly enough to figure out a further plan for things.

btw- i’m sure that you still look like a very scary skeleton. being severely underweight is still severely underweight even if you aren’t at the lowest weight you’ve ever been in your life you know.

Comment by vive42 — December 2, 2008 #

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At the end of the day, Lola, you are doing what you feel is best for you

I can’t imagine that it is going to be easy coming off the meds – cold turkey, though I am glad to hear that you have plenty of support from your family.

All the best to you hun…

{{{hugs}}}

Lins x

Comment by Lindsay — December 2, 2008 #

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V – Yes I am still a tad skinny despite feeling like a monster.I have been dumb for the past few days and skipped my milk. I couldn’t think clearly, and it has resulted in me looking like hell, and catching a cold. So I am in bed drinking FULL FAT MILK!” to make up for it. I am being as careful as possible, within 100 hours I should be OK, thats the longest amount of time given for the meds to come out of my system, so hopefully be OK!

Linds, thanks kiddo. I hope you are having a better one today?

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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I hope you don’t have a super bad crash in the next few days, if you come through that and settle into a new normal then you’ll have a better idea what you’re dealing with. but like i said, i’ve done it and i don’t know if i’m better off without meds but i’m certainly not worse off.

btw, notice how i figured you needed to be told “you look awful” and it was something that totally made you feel better? HA! so much opportunity for comedy, these disorders.

Comment by vive42 — December 2, 2008 #

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We should put on a play, although I’m not sure who we could aim for as a target audience. We could fill the auditorium with exercise bikes and focus on the anorectic audience, or perhaps we could have a kick ass interval, with a buffet and numerous bathrooms….oh how Roman!

Comment by Lola Snow — December 2, 2008 #

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Be careful.

Comment by Pole to Polar: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive — December 3, 2008 #

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I hope your plan goes well. I tried weaning myself off my meds once and landed myself in hospital. Of course, timing is everything as well. It wasn’t a great time to do it, with stresses in my life at that time.

But hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it.

For you, I think if the meds don’t work, then it’s probably good to see what happens when you go off it. Worth a risk, sure, but be careful doing it. Glad there will be people to check in on you in real life.

Comment by Cool Polar — December 3, 2008 #

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oh…i don’t know what to say…don’t want to encourage you, but at the same time I DO NOT trust the psychiatric profession as a whole when it comes to initiating, monitoring and terminating medications. Each professional I go to about meds listens to my medication history and is APALLED at the irresponsible advice and dosing of the last Dr. It’s a never-ending chain. I WENT to a specialist when I was on a high dose anti-depressant (”too high” and “dangerously high” according to another DR.)and SHE TOLD ME to stop cold turkey – oh, with a nice dose of Risperadol to ease any side effects (?!)

Just be safe. Rest up. And just receive all the virtual hugs being left here for you.
-nb

Comment by nb — December 3, 2008 #

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Thanks everyone. I think you do have to eventually just exercise a bit of personal choice. By no means do I think what I am doing is sensible, but I feel they have hung me out to dry a bit. If no one can provide me with a good reason as to why I am on this medication which makes me act so strangely, then it does not encourage me to trust them, nor to continue to adhere to their advice.

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #

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*applauds, grinning and cheering*

I did the same thing seven years ago – just came off all meds out of utter frustration with the crappiness of the system. I’m not saying it’s all been fluffy and rosy since, but life has been exponentially better unmedicated.

Good luck! And despite all I’ve just said, keep emailing and texting your family and friends and posting here. The side effects can be scary.

Comment by your still-anonymous kindred spirit reader — December 3, 2008 #

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Thanks Kindred – I’m going to have to come up with a pseudonym for you, because calling someone “Kindred” just seems weird. Any preferences?

Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #

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Good luck – the taking over the world idea is one I particularly like.

Comment by Area Trace No Search — December 3, 2008 #

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Aww shucks, thanks Area – I like you, so I’ll kill you last
Just kidding, you’d be perfect for my league of zombie soldiers!

Lola xx

Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #

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Feel free to choose me a name, and I’ll be intrigued to learn what it is. But please, keep it clean!

Comment by her again. the anonymous kindred spirit one — December 3, 2008 #

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I’m considering a readers suggestion post!!!

Comment by Lola Snow — December 3, 2008 #

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