Becoming Unspecial
November 26, 2008 at 3:22 pm | In Eating disorders, Weight Issues | 34 CommentsTags: anorexia, binge, bulimia, bullied, depression, Eating disorders, purging, recovery, school, special, therapy
One of my favourite films is Fight Club. Obviously because of the appearance by the rather delicious Mr Pitt, but also because of this quote:
“You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile”
Sad, but true. That’s the thing about life, the world, the universe. It’s too crowded. If you want to make your mark, you need to get noticed. You need fame, or fortune or success to be recognised, or moreover, to be remembered. It’s no easy task with so much competition to claw yourself up to the top of the food chain, to prove yourself to the whole world. Especially if you feel there is a good chance that you will never be good enough, fast enough, clever enough, pretty enough, rich enough. Never enough period.
If you think that you are always going to fall short of the bar, life can be a worrying state of affairs. We all need to feel special.
Being thinner than other people makes me feel special, I feel powerful. Can you remember back to being a kid at your own birthday party? The feeling that the world belongs to you for the day. You are worshipped by guests, praised by parents, lavished with attention. Anorexia made me feel like that, to start with. I was superhuman, I was a higher, cleaner, stronger person, than those who ate.
If I sit down at a table and watch people eat, when I abstain, I feel as if I have won something. I have achieved something that these gluttonous fools do by choice. I feel like I have won the competition of who can exhibit the greatest display of control.
When I first started to lose weight at 13, I had been chubby before then, was the first time anyone noticed me for a positive reason. It was the first time people were interested in me, for who I was and for what I had achieved, rather than finding me a joke, a source of mockery.
“How did you do it?” They asked, “How did you lose all that weight?” they were interested in what i had to say for a change. Some were jealous, my peers, my school friends, but that just made the prize even sweeter. I treasured it even more. I was desperate to not lose this gift of being special. I was sure that eating even a mouthful of a “bad” food or a “fattening food” would tarnish my gleaming new role in the world, and the only way to protect this new found glory, was to eat as little as possible.
Then came Bulimia, which turned back to Anorexia, which became Bulimia. And now here we are, once again at Anorexia. I had it, I lost it, I had it, I lost it, now I have it again, can I bear to give it away?
Each day I am POSITIVE that I am going to stop being special. If I gain weight, then I lose the only thing which I have ever been good at. Being the thin one. Being the clean one. Being a better one. All those years spent in Bulimic hell, when I had lost the ability to control myself, I went unnoticed by everyone. They only remembered me, when they saw my rib cage, and my hipbones. I’m the incredible disappearing, reappearing woman.
But I am becoming less special everyday now. Each tiny bit of weight which creeps on, which fills the void between my thighs, cloaks my hipbones, pads my backside, moulds me back into just another body, any body. I can walk freely through a crowd, and blend in. One who is just a little too skinny, a little too pale, a little too tired. Someone with saggy breasts, and bad teeth, and a look which says
“I’m been somewhere too dark to mention”
I am gradually becoming unspecial.
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This post allowed me to understand where it all began. Thank you for educating me.
Comment by Laura — November 26, 2008 #
i completely and totally feel the exact same way about anorexia/weight loss meaning specialness. for me it was the only think i ever felt good at. and losing so much weight the first time i felt like it was the first time people saw me, the first thing i did that people recognized as being good.
that said, to ordinary people anorexics aren’t special people in the way we think we are. one of the hardest things to get my head around is that to an ordinary person an anorexic is just as sad and crazy as any other mentally ill person. we aren’t in a special class of “mentally ill by way of being superior to all humans”.
Comment by vive42 — November 26, 2008 #
Laura – glad that it made a little bit of sense. I struggle to see it from the “Normal” perspective,so I always assume people cannot understand my view either.
V-I think that is going to be the biggest challenge to believe. Simply because there is such a vast amount of evidence available which I can skew to back up my false belief. I feel like it’s my blind spot. I can’t “Make” myself see it the other way. I think it will be what keeps me in my ED.
Because I just don’t believe that people don’t think it’s an all powerful display of inner strength! I don’t think I can hear it when they say it. It’s like I was born without the part which recognises that fact.
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
i think it’s really hard to make yourself see that. because it’s the last think your self esteem is hung on, the specialness and superiority of the anorexic way to any other way. if you lose that you have nothing. and by you, i mean me too. this is a good example of something i know is true but don’t really believe, and believe contrary things at the same time as knowing the first thing is true.
Comment by vive42 — November 26, 2008 #
Sort of like
“I know it’s not true. I just don’t believe it.”
I suppose the whole house of cards will come tumbing down if i ever do begin to realise its a falsehood, then the lost years will really sting
Ohhhhhh Grrrrrrr.
Sometimes I get SO ANNOYED with my f*cked up brain!
It’s just so frustrating. You must get like that sometimes? Just thinking well I’m metaphorically bashing my head against a brick wall, maybe I should just do it in reality
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
You like Fight Club? I love Fight Club. Always preferred Edward Norton to Brad Pitt, though. Anyway.
I don’t know anything about eating disorders, bar what I’ve read here. So I’m probably about to be hugely ignorant, like the grandparent at Christmas dinner who unleashes a torrent of blistering racism without a hint of warning.
The closest thing I have to compare EDs to is self-harm, which is at least similarly self-destructive. I think. I know exactly what you mean about ED/SI making you feel special. I couldn’t really apply ’special’ to SI, but ‘different’ works. For me it was in part a means of divorcing myself from a very sterile environment. I suppose the problem is to find a way to be happy without being ‘normal’, whatever that is. Maybe we could start a revolution.
Comment by Alex — November 26, 2008 #
We could all be as different as each other? Just kidding, no i know what you mean. Eventually the destruction becomes identity as well as a coping mechanism. Life without it looks empty, bland, because we have grown so used to sacrificing so much for it. Hmmm, need to try and see self as “Special” in the world without hipbones/scars being identity. I’ll get my thinking hat on
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
nodding lots as I’m reading this one today and the comments too. feeling unique and special vs fitting in and being ‘normal’ – constant turmoil for me. I am perversly in love with the identity I have at the moment – because people back away in fear and ignorance and that makes me feel powerful, and yet it can also make me feel very alone and desperate to be more like ‘them’. But there’s a lot of energy that has gone into making myself what I am today and I am proud of that and I dont want to let it go to waste. I look at others and how easily they glide through, how dull they appear because they don’t fight to stay alive each day and I can’t help thinking how depressing their lives must be – oh the irony!
Comment by hanberry — November 26, 2008 #
First, I GET IT. Totally. I didn’t WANT my ED to define me, since I was mainly a Binge Eater, and in our culture, that doesn’t get you positive attention, but for a long time I danced, and that was how I defined myself. When my knees blew, and my back blew, and I REALLY couldn’t dance anymore, my world sort of fell apart. I had this overwhelming feeling, of, “But that’s who I AM. If I’m not that, then what AM I?” Please note there the transition from “who” to “what.” Big psychological stuff there.
Now, this is the stern-ish part. LOL. Both the ideas that everyone is unique, AND that we are all the same are true. THAT is the perfect, divine paradox of life. Martha Graham said:
“There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. ”
The idea being that (as my sister likes to say), “We are all unique. Just like everyone else.” It’s funny, but it’s true: it’s a perfect paradox, because it’s our very uniqueness that makes us all the same.
No one has ever existed before or will ever exist again with precisely the same experiences and feelings that you have. And as such, YOU ARE ALREADY UNIQUE. You have nothing to prove.
NOW. Ask me if I really LIVE that way. Ahem. Not so much. But I figure that having the intellecutal knowledge is the first step. (For me, the second step is believing it with my head, even though I don’t believe it with my emotions – that’s kind of where I am now. THEN I can start working it into my emotions a little at a time.)
Does that sort of make sense? I’m not sure I explained it as well as it sounded in my head. LOL.
Comment by Marste — November 26, 2008 #
Lola, I love this post! We all do want to be special in one way or another. It’s just that people with EDs think that the only way they can be “special” is through their body. And in a sense, you can say culture and society play into that role.
However, and I do hope, you get there–in realizing that you can be special in so many more ways than your body. It’s about finding your specialness, who you are without the definition of an ED. Everyone has some specialness.
The whole term “specialness” is interesting to me. I was just talking about this with my T. on Monday about his specific quote in the book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters that related to me so much.
The thing with me is that I was actually always told by my father how special, how perfect I was, but by the time ED rolled around, I certainly did not feel that way. And in some convuluted way, the ED was like my attempt to say “I’m not special or perfect.”
But on a whole other token, I still felt the need to be perfect for everyone else. And in high school, I thrived on the comments people made on how I could do all these brilliant things. It was like living the “superwoman” complex which at the time was incredibly appealing to me.
Comment by Tiptoe — November 26, 2008 #
Han. strikes a chord with me, it is a “Back off” mentality. My ED currently shields me very well from having to let people get too close. And also that investment you mention. Change involves a hefty dose of admitting that now is not ideal. it loudly says my way is not always right…
Marste – I do get whta your saying, i think its the constant agony of believing one things, saying another but without an emotional kick back. it feels like lying. I find myself looking for other ways to prove my specialness, which really isnt the point is it? I need to define myself as special, not my actions. i think? I can’t keep trying to bash that square block through that round hole. clearly it is not working for me
Tiptoe, sort of what I just said to Marste then? I think you are certainly right that ED’s can be used to send out a message to someone. They speak volumes silently. Its a fairly good way fo saying “I am angry”, or “there has been injustice”, without ever having to deal with the nasty business of honesty or confrontation.
Thanks for your input everyone
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
LOL, Lola if it were really working for me, I’d have my shit WAY more together!
But sometimes I do remind myself: “I know that this is the truth, even though I can’t see it right now.” Sometimes when I phrase it like that, it makes it easier. For me. Don’t know about you.
(Sometimes I swear to God, we’re all like the blind leading the blind, aren’t we? It’s comforting and terrifying all at the same time.)
Comment by Marste — November 26, 2008 #
Yes this certainly could be seen as the most dysfunctional group therapy group ever! But I like it. It’s better than lying in bed and staring at the wall, although i can see that being on the cards in the next few days
We will get there, one day, i hope, (eeek!)
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
Hiya
That post made so much sense, at the moment I really understand the idea of once feeling special and now losing it. I feel like one tiny person lost in the world, as unspecial as you can be. But everyone is special and it’s great that you can talk about what’s happened to you so clearly and explain it so well but there are so many things that can mark you out as special, an ED doesn’t have to be one of them even if it feels like it does at the moment.
And lying in bed staring at the wall is never a good thing – I’ve done it once or twice and it’s underrated!
Comment by Hannah — November 26, 2008 #
Thanks Hannah, I think my mood is playing havoc with my common sense at the moment! I think staring at the wall might become the only option in a few hours. I am going to act on your advice about it being overrated, and attach pictures and photos to the space where I will be staring. Still boring, but marginally less so
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 26, 2008 #
That’s actually a good idea to put pictures and photos up on the staring wall! Never even thought of that, might make the experience slightly better!
Comment by Hannah — November 27, 2008 #
[...] that wants to lose and lose so that people notice and become concerned. I really empathize with Lola’s post today about ED and weight loss and thinness making one feel special. But I also know with every [...]
Pingback by Self-therapy Part 1 « November Blue — November 27, 2008 #
Lola
I think it’s sad that the world in its twisted way made you feel so bad about yourself and then reinforced you positively when you lost weight.
I wish people didn’t look at a person’s body to determine their worth, or their “specialness”. Unfortunately people do, of course.
It sounds like such a struggle for you. I think you ARE special. I love the way you write.
HUgs
Polar B.
Comment by Cool Polar — November 27, 2008 #
You know, I don’t comment as much as I should here but I am constantly reading and am without fail blown away by your writing and the way you express yourself. Specialness happens in so many different ways, and sometimes it can only be something we can recognise in ourselves. Recovering is special in a different way and on another note, maybe pursuing the writing more would be a way to take things. I think the key is recognising what is special inside us, the parts that other people can’t see or know just by looking at us and clinging on to that. Or maybe I’m just rambling…
Comment by cb — November 27, 2008 #
Polar – Thank you for your hugs! That world is a twisted place, and it is a twisted way to judge my own worth, and i think thats what actually annoys me too, is it is so stereotypical! Again i’m as different as every other person with an ED! We are all being unique as each other by starving ourselves, I suppose that is why we feel we must be the thinnest – so we stand out as being special.
CB – I don’t think that you are rambling at all. It’s a complicated knot of years of lies and delusions, which I am steadily trying to unpick. But I think at long last I might be untangling my beliefs, and writing here certainly helps that process along. Thanks for your thoughts.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 27, 2008 #
Hiya Girl,
Not been around for a while. So been catching up on your blog. This post though is something that struck a chord with me though. (Not just because Fight Club is my favourite film, I read the book before seeing the movie which is even better…anyway…) but this whole “specialness”. To *be* someone. I’ve always wanted that. Forever. Whether it was a footballer, a rockstar or a Mafia Don, I’ve wanted it.
But now I don’t think that’s really what’s important. We may not be “beautiful and unique snowflakes”, but to the people we come across in our lives, the people who *really* matter we are as unique and beautiful as anyone could want. The people who have been with you and helped you, they matter, the others?…pfft…
We don’t need to “be someone” to millions of people that we don’t know.
Also, “Especially if you feel there is a good chance that you will never be good enough, fast enough, clever enough, pretty enough, rich enough. Never enough period.”
This comment is pretty much the reason for me being the way I am. No matter how good I am at something, there’s someone better. No matter how clever I am, there’s someone cleverer. No matter how much money I make, I just need to make more.
But now I understand it’s not wrong to aspire for more, or to try and better yourself. But we need to do it for the right reasons, and enjoy the journey of getting there. Like The Alchemist as you said. (I brought that back from Glasgow this weekend incidentally)
Anyway…pfft…I know this is all sounding like new age hippy bullshit. So apologies for that, and the fact it’s so long!
I’ve decided to call it a day with my blog for now, so “Me” is no more.
Maybe “Me” will make a return at some point, who knows… But I fuckin’ hope not.
Take it easy girl…
John x
Comment by John — November 27, 2008 #
This is surely a good thing?
I have no idea about you, but I spend a huge amount of my time deliberately trying not to be noticed, not to be looked out or to stand out.
When I’m off duty, anyway…
Comment by Area Trace No Search — November 27, 2008 #
John (me)- Glad to hear from you buddy, I tried to email, but it rejected me? Didn’t know if you had upsticks and shipped out. Please pop in regularly, you always have a little je ne sais quoi to add to my thoughts. {{Hugs}}
Area, I think its some sort of contrary view, I don’t want to be a freakshow who is gawped at, but I want to maintain what I percieve as my aura of “strength”. I think perhaps what I am losing, may just as much be my faith in the fact that thin equals special, as my specialness from being thin. My safety net is fraying and I am being forced to realise how this looks from the outside looking in.
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 27, 2008 #
I’m an Edward Norton gal too.
Ah, good ‘ole Cognitive Dissonance. Where would we be without it?
Comment by Reas — November 27, 2008 #
Probably a lot more boring, but a lot less busy!!! I need to get some bumper stickers made up I heart MY COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. Although it’s not all that catchy
Comment by Lola Snow — November 27, 2008 #
You wrote:
>If you think that you are always going to fall short of the bar, >life can be a worrying state of affairs. We all need to feel >special.
First — What if *you* set the bar?
Because you should be the one setting it. *You* get to decide what is your personal best, and not in comparison to anyone else, but according to you. You know yourself best — you know whan you’re stretching, and when you could stretch more — it’s all up to you.
Second — You’re already special, unique and rare — there is no other exact you amongst the billions and billions of people on this planet.
You make your mark in life by being yourself, and bringing to the world table what you can add, what’s uniquely yours to add. I’d even say this blog is part of making your mark. And it doesn’t matter if thousands read it, or even two — to the two whose lives are impacted because of your word-talent and your generousity in sharing your own experiences, you’ve changed the world, because you’ve changed their worlds.
I’m so sorry it’s so tough for you right now. Kudos on your bravery for sticking it out, and for doing what you need to do for yourself, because you *do* know best.
Lastly, an eating disorder can never make you or anyone special. They make you sick. You can’t be special when you share the same exact thoughts and behavior patterns as millions of other women doing the same thing to themselves. You can only be genuinely special by being yourself.
Em
Comment by leftywritey — November 28, 2008 #
Em – that last paragraph really hits a spot, I’m sure it clarifies my hatred of pro-ana, and my dislike for labels. I’m jealous that others share the “Specialness” whether it’s dillusional or not! It really hurts, I’m like a jealous lover with my ED!
As for the rest, I want to believe it so badly sometimes, I guess its just a case of saying it over and over again. Maybe one day it will sink in, and I’ll get the feeling, as well as the thought too.
Thanks for your support, it’s really appreciated
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 28, 2008 #
Lola,
Awesome post–this is something that I think about a lot. I think I keep my eating disorder around “just in case.” In case I’m not good enough, in case I’m not lovable when I’m not sick, in case I’m not successful (and don’t have the ED as an excuse…. really in case I’m not a good enough person without it.
In reality (and I know this logically), the ED robs you of your specialness. When you’re in the thick of it, all your decisions are tainted by the eating disorder. “Addict thinking” comes to mind. Feeling special because of your eating disorder doesn’t feel nearly as good as feeling special for being yourself — it’s just *certain.* It’s safer. Establishing an identity void of the eating disorder is much riskier… but ultimately more rewarding.
Anyway, I guess my point is that you really are so special… but you don’t even know it because you’re clinging on to the eating disorder and all the disordered thinking that comes along with it. I don’t think you’ll believe you’re special until something makes you feel that way. Something outside of the eating disorder.
grey
Comment by greythinking — November 29, 2008 #
Thankyou Grey. It’s amazing how many people with ED’s hang onto this concept. I suppose it’s like a comfort blanket of a bias, protection justifying our sick beliefs. I got an amazing reply from my Dad when I sent him a copy of this article. I might post it on Tuesday for everyone to read. I was blown away!
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — November 29, 2008 #
[...] anorexia and “becoming unspecial” lola snow has a thoughtful post on the notion of being special, something very important for a lot of people who are in the throes of anorexia. some would say that being anorexic is about being special, about showing the control that results in standing out. in 12-step circles, this attitude is referred to as “terminal uniqueness”, a sometimes literally life-threatening attitude of being different: needing to be different, suffering from being different and the “no-one understands me” syndrome. there are a lot of interesting conversations about what it means to become less terminally unique and still remain the unique one-of-a-kind specimen that each and every one of us is. here’s lola’s contribution to that conversation: becoming unspecial. [...]
Pingback by carnival of eating disorders, november 2008 edition — December 1, 2008 #
Lola,
Wow! You do an EXCELLENT job at describing how anorexia feels, which explains why it is soooo extremely difficult to let go of. One thing I am gradually learning through my own recovery is that I am not as likeable when I am in the midst of my anorexia. My whole personality changes, I become more withdrawn, sometimes I am moody, etc. When I am better nourished, I am able to laugh more, I am more outgoing, and I am more fun to be around. Unfortunately, I am in more inner turmoil when I am “healthier.” It is definitely a LONG and DIFFICULT journey.
Amanda
Comment by Amanda — December 1, 2008 #
Thanks for stopping by Amanda – I think I am beginning to realise that being sweetness and light for a few hours and then growling at people because I am hungry, is probably not the “specialness” I believe it to be!
Thanks for your input. Keep fighting the good fight
Lola x
Comment by Lola Snow — December 1, 2008 #
[...] At Marine Snow, Lola takes a deep look at the emotions that lie behind anorexia, and giving them up by becoming unspecial. [...]
Pingback by Points of interest, #37 « Mind, Soul, and Body — December 13, 2008 #
[...] lola snow has a thoughtful post on the notion of being special, something very important for a lot of people who are in the throes of anorexia. some would say that being anorexic is about being special, about showing the control that results in standing out. in 12-step circles, this attitude is referred to as “terminal uniqueness”, a sometimes literally life-threatening attitude of being different: needing to be different, suffering from being different and the “no-one understands me” syndrome. there are a lot of interesting conversations about what it means to become less terminally unique and still remain the unique one-of-a-kind specimen that each and every one of us is. here’s lola’s contribution to that conversation: becoming unspecial. [...]
Pingback by best of carnival of eating disorders — February 1, 2009 #