My BMI Baby, I’m a medication Rebel!

November 19, 2008 at 6:36 pm | In Eating disorders, Medication, Moodiness, Pro-Ana Bashing, Weight Issues, Work | 10 Comments
Tags: anorexia, binge, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, hallucination, lamictal, lofepramine, psychiatry, purging, recovery, therapy, thinspo

Hola says Lola! I threw my temperamental toys out the pram last night. Whoopsie. That’ll teach me, won’t it? Sadly, it probably won’t.

It got to 9pm and I went on strike. I was not going to take my flipping pills, damn it! They weren’t working, they had never worked, the whole universe was picking on me, Lola Snow, victim of all the world’s travesties. So apparently in order to fix my terrible angry raving depression, I decided not to take my medication which stops me getting depressed. Yes, another example of my fantastic rational mind performing at it’s best.

Predictably that meant I was up at 3am reorganising my wardrobe and bookshelf, making lists of things I just HAD to buy, get done, people I just simply had to phone, today, with no delay. The pretty sentences were babbling through my head as the drugs were babbling out of my blood stream, and I managed to pry myself away from my extensive bedroom reorganisation skills, and get to work. By the skin of my teeth. Where I promptly cleared my in-box, my in-tray (no small task considering I haven’t touched it for a month), completed my work, my colleague’s work, cleaned the staff kitchen, had several wonderful conversations at people, which obviously I had some sparkling wit and profound advice to share with them, and then still managed to p*ss off home at 11.00 to clean the house. The plan changed a few times through the course of the morning, from getting on the next train to London to visit Lucy, to going up to Birmingham to see Jake. Fortunately credit cards remained in my room, and therefore I did not come to several hours later, surrounded by plastic bags and suffering from shoppers remorse.

Huh. So anyway, predictably about 2 o’clock I started slowing down, and am going to spend the next few days on a yo-yo of mood swings (even more so than usual) until my poor noggin works out what the hell is going on. I am wondering at what point this was a good strategy to sorting my life out?

On the plus side, it was a welcome relief from the sense of doom which I have been drowning in for the past few weeks, and has served to remind me, that yes, I HAVE been depressed, despite constant denial, and YES I DO need to sort out my medication or at least talk to someone with an iota of sense. Seeing as I obviously have none at the moment.

Mood aside, I did come home via the supermarket, and not for binge food either! Result! I bought some sensible, sort of safe microwave meals, to get back on the eating horse, and get back on the plan as best I can. This might be partially due to the amount of bingeing that I have done recently, and the inevitable (but unconfirmed) weight gain. I no longer fit into any of my UK4’s, not even the bigger ones. The amusing thing is, because right now everything is still pretty amusing, that I wasn’t bothered at all this morning. And funnier still, I had actually thought, that I had lost a few pounds recently. I’ve developed reverse Anorexia! I look in the mirror and think I’m thin, when I’m actually getting bigger!

However, I don’t think striving for a perpetual state of high mood, is anyway to get around my body issues! Although it would be nice. So I never had the usual freaky-deaky-O-My-God-I’m-A-Monster spin out from getting bigger, I just carried on arranging my shoes in colour order (and then size because it looked neater, in amidst the chaos of everything else I had yanked out of the wardrobe to “Tidy”)

Unless this isn’t purely a good mood thing? Perhaps this is actually, A Breakthrough? Maybe they are in fact right, and not getting on the scales religiously, really does work?

Today is the first day in ages since I haven’t binged and thrown up, so I could be back on course, that is, until later tonight or tomorrow when the crash comes. I’m beginning to feel flat already, but that is better than hysterical!

There could be another reason as to why I so vigorously refused to take my medication last night. That would be the surfing I was doing. I was researching more anti-proana material to write another pro-ana bashing post, (now that my 30 day abstinence is nearly over). Well, I surfed from link to link, like a deranged Anorexic Tarzan in the IT jungle, and I hit (By mistake) a proana site. I realised what I’d done, and was about to clickety-click the panic button….when…..I thought to myself

“Hold on a minute, this all looks a bit familiar”

and then it hit me, like a discarded pair of size 4 jeans. I realised that I used to be a member of said site. Sucked. In. Then it all came rushing back. And without realising it I was reading and clicking, and searching the pictures. Reading the weights, working out the BMI’s. Yeah baby, it was BMI city, and I was triggered good and proper. I had a right good triggering. I think that was around the time, this happened:

“Hmmmm, high mood equals no food!”

which it does. You can’t eat when you have so much to get done!

Hopefully I’m seeing the light a bit now though. I cleared my browser history last night at about midnight, and have NO intention of going back.

And I have been giving some strong consideration to the private shrink option. The idea, although terrifying, has grown on me. My folks are going to call me tomorrow night to discuss it further. In a weird way, I think it might relieve them a bit if I did agree to it. I know they are seriously worried about my declining mental state, and it might make them considerably happier if I at least had a consult with an expert. Besides at Hannah pointed out, it would be a nice afternoon out!

Lola x

10 Comments »

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Hi Lola,
I have tried so many meds and have found it quite common to feel high for the first few days coming off them….especially if I cold turkey them…but the fast drop in meds catches up with me eventually. I am one of those: “Get me off this crap NOW” people.

I have a really hard time taking it slowly and stretching out the bad side effects over a long period of time. I get why you want off, but it might be a good idea to meet with a pdoc and have a plan to get of the meds that is reasonable. That’s what I have learned over the years.

I really hope you and your parents can work it out so, (even if it is an interim solution until you get NHS or gov’t paid for help), you have a private pdoc to help you NOW. You so desereve it. Thinking of you.
Hugs,
…aqua

Comment by aqua — November 19, 2008 #

Reply
Thanks Aqua, I am definitely warming to the idea, if only to discuss the nightmare which was last summer ***shudders***

and I am going to pieces

Lola xx

Comment by Lola Snow — November 19, 2008 #

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Hiya,

Hope you manage to get something sorted out privately. Like I said before, having access to someone pretty much on demand is the best thing about it.

Hope you can get something sorted.

Cheers…

Me x

Comment by Me — November 19, 2008 #

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Cheers Me, I’m definitely warming to the idea of a meds consult. Not sure of I am willing to go down the whole therapy road, but I have to get these pills sorted out, they are just messing me up too much.

x

Comment by Lola Snow — November 19, 2008 #

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Well, I know you’re averse to a private consult, but sometimes it’s the best thing ever. Seriously. I think I missed though, why you’re so averse to it? What do you have now that’s different? Is it private insurance vs gov’t insurance, or is it group therapy vs private therapy?

Comment by Marste — November 19, 2008 #

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All that I’ve got is hanging about waiting for someone from the mythical National health Service to contact me re: medication. My folks are offering to pay for a private referal to a Private Shrink, but it’s pricey and I don’t feel comfortable accepting their cash as they are retired etc.
As for the therapy, well thats a whole saga of the first three pages of this blog, and the next 10 that I haven’t written about yet. I’m not mad keen on therapy or therapists, and that would also be from the bank of Mum and Dad, coz I can’t afford it, and the NHS waiting list is looooooooooooooooong, plus they already offered me a placement as a daypatient in hospital, which I said no to…
The joys of having a mood disorder AND an eating disorder….

Comment by Lola Snow — November 19, 2008 #

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ugh – you’re having it rough, my dear. however….from where I sit:
i think somehow the perspective afforded by your precarious perch way up there at least lets you see (if ever so dangerously) how low the depression had pulled you. from one extreme to the other. I wish for you some sort of medication parachute to slow your descent, allowing you to grab something, anything nearby to cling to somewhere in the middle (I’m envisioning james bond action scene style, maybe even with Matrix special effects). best wishes, my high-flying friend. and, be careful up there.

Comment by nb — November 20, 2008 #

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Thanks NB, back down to reality this morning (Or rather about 11 oclock last night when I found myself devouring the contents of the cupboard doh!)

{{{Hugs}}}

Comment by Lola Snow — November 20, 2008 #

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Lola, I feel for you. Having to sort out meds and dealing with ED crap is hard. I’m really glad you are considering the idea of the private shrink. I have a 3-session rule to see whether a therapist is going to work out or not. And it is very interesting that he provides so much access to his clients.

AS for your parents paying, I always had a hard time with this. There was the guilt factor and the expectation to recover quickly. Try to remember that your parents want to help you and that it won’t be forever.

Kudos to erasing your browser from the pro-ana site!

Comment by Tiptoe — November 20, 2008 #

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Thanks Tiptoe. I might try that rule of 3 this time.

I figure if I can just sort out the mood swings, i’ll be able to get back on track. If he can offer me a few sessions of trauma debriefing from the nightmare that I have been through in the past 2 (ok 10!) years, that would help immensely too. I think I just want someone to say “you’re right, they should have listened to you” and to talk to a bit really. I’m still getting flashbacks and stuff, and my folks think it would probably be good just to tell my story if nothing else!

Thanks for your support by the way, you just played interference on ED marching me to the supermarket for binge food! I took a day off to try and get my head together, but it nearly backfired!!

Lola x

Comment by Lola Snow — November 20, 2008 #

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