Marine Snow

Hmmmm. Whadda ya know.

I was busy having a good wallow, as one does, when one is entirely f*cked in the head about their body image, and then magically gains several pounds over three days. Especially with no warning, and for no apparent reason. I was dwelling away merrily, and I had a little thought. I thought to myself, I wonder, i just wonder, if I might not be retaining a little bit of water.

I can see the body getting lighter from water loss, if I lose weight suddenly, and then my weight coming straight back up quickly, when I start eating. However, I am inclined to think I might have gained a bit extra back, from eating more normally, as my body had a bit of a panic. My body got scared and panic-bought in stocks of water. Just in case they instigated another hose-pipe ban in Lolaville. It’s a thought, but not the staggering epiphany that I arrived at.

You see I realised I was quite relieved to stumble upon this as a possible scenario. Not just because it removes the randomness from the situation, and therefore the fear that I could just keep swelling up for no apparent reason. Becoming so large that they will have to knock down the front of our house and ship me off to hospital on an 18 wheeler truck. No it wasn’t just that. I thought well if its water weight, then that’s ok.

I reminded myself that it was water which had been missing in the first place, and therefore I was back to a weight which I should have stayed at. No fat had been lost. But i realised I was ok with that too.

Then I got confused. So the issue wasn’t so much the weight which I had arrived at, nor the weight which I had gained. Nor particularly the content of the weight itself. Weight is weight right? Fat or water or blood or whatever. It all adds digits to that number.

So what was the issue, I thought? And then it came to me, it was the implication that I had been greedy, and eaten too much and gained without wanting to. I hadn’t said I want to gain X number of pounds. I had eaten more than even I intended to. I mean, the gall of it. I had fancied a handful of Haribo Sweets, and I had eaten them. Me. Outrageous. I had gained weight through greed, and that is truly “Fat”. It is the worst kind of weight to gain.

But I seem to be ok now. I’m not happy, but I’m not crying hysterically either. But then I’m in the safest bubble of them all. I’m hiding in bed, surfing the internet, about as far from reality as I can reach without leaving the house to get supplies. So, I don’t have to face the world, or deal with this at all. I’ll just hide under the covers, and click random links, leave stupid comments, and pretend I don’t really exist at all.

I’m a big fan of denial. It’s got to be healthier than the alternative.

Lola

PS Feel free not to tell me the truth, if the above makes no sense whatsoever. I am merrily ignorant to the way my body operates ta very much!