Lose Inches Fast! « Marine Snow

Lose Inches Fast!

August 30, 2008 at 2:17 pm | In Eating disorders, Throwing Up | 2 Comments
Tags: binge, depression, Eating disorders, recovery, treatment

I am miserable this afternoon.

I’m not sure why I insist on researching ED’s on the net. Every time I do it ends in tears – namely mine! It makes me feel so inadequate and faceless, to be another statistic to be referred to as “Emotionally underdeveloped” or my behaviour patterns as “Maladaptive coping mechanisms”. I hate it. I feel like the scum of the world, and the bottom of the class. Like the term “Re-feeding”, makes my skin crawl, i’m an experiment to be pumped full of chemicals, whether I like it or not.

Or “Treatment”. The name irks me. It brings to my mind the application of sickly-pink calamine lotion to chicken pox scabs. Or gel to treat verrucas. It sounds unpleasant and clinical, but moreover it sounds like something which is done to you, not by you. You are “Treated” rather than being advised, you are sick. I do not wish to be a sick person.

I do not wish to be “Treated”. I do not wish to be seen as less than you, emotionally underdeveloped and devoid of coping mechanisms. I do not wish to be this person. But I am. And there is no denying it. This is my fucking sad excuse for a life, in all it’s vomit-flecked, bony, self-inflicted emptiness. Wasting summer afternoons, sitting indoors by myself. Smelling bar-be-ques and listening to the muffled shouts, like choking into a pillow. (Oh the angst….)

Anyway, I’ve run out of fags, ad if I go to the shop then i’ll buy food. but if i don’t have fags, chances are I will go out and buy food. Looks like I’ll be buying food then….

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thanks for dropping by my blog. btw, would love it if you submitted one of your articles here to the carnival of eating disorders!

you say “I do not wish to be “Treated”. I do not wish to be seen as less than you, emotionally underdeveloped and devoid of coping mechanisms. I do not wish to be this person. But I am. And there is no denying it. This is my fucking sad excuse for a life, in all it’s vomit-flecked, bony, self-inflicted emptiness.”

of course you don’t want to be “treated”. “advised” is better – or how about this – just having conversations? exchanging ideas, thoughts?

and of course you don’t want to be seen as less than, underdeveloped, etc. because that’s not who you are. you are much more complex than these labels. yes, there may be flecks of vomit, yes there may be self-sabotage – but that’s not all. otherwise you wouldn’t have this blog, for one thing.

sorry – hope i didn’t come on too strong here …

Comment by isabella mori — August 31, 2008 #

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You certainly didn’t come on too strong at all. You are totally right about elements of my self being recovery driven Lola! I know in my heart that This Way of living, is just existing. Its so bizarre to hold two conflicting opinions of equal strength at the same time. it makes it very clear as to why people imagine their eating disorder to be another character in it’s own right. it is so helpful to have comments like this to look back on. and remind myself that there is another way to live. Thanks so much for your time. I will certainly consider writing something for you in the future.
Good Thoughts
Lola

Comment by Lola Snow — September 1, 2008 #

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