Suspension of Disbelief
December 23, 2009 at 12:39 pm | In Eating disorders, Family, Friends, Hope, therapy | 21 CommentsTags: anorexia, anxiety, bulimia, christmas, depression, Eating disorders, futility, mental health, mental illness, moment of clarity, numb, recovery, redundancy, relapse, relationships, resolve, therapy, yearning
Right then. Firstly I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise, explain and thank you. I’d like to apologise to everyone for the past few months insanity, the privatisation of this blog for one, but also for my little ermm, how shall we say this, U-turn into utter madness. It’s been a horrible time for me as I’m sure most of you have gathered, things have been unadulterated shits-ville since September, and the recent crash into the wall only serves to prove that I have a breaking point. I don’t like to admit that, because obviously I’m very busy being superhuman over here, pretending none of this is real, and not sufficiently aware of my own stress limitations despite all evidence to the contrary. I think I just ran out of percents. Recovery from an eating disorder seems to keep me running at about 65% stress, recovery from the nightmare fallout of the past few years adds that extra 10% stress. Add 20% for ineffectual coping mechanisms and little real world support network, add 10% for college work, 15% for a high stress level job, 20% for impending redundancy and you’ll notice I’m in the red somewhat. The added pressure of stirring up my past in a bid for self understanding, searching for a therapist, having a somewhat lower mood in the winter anyways, and I guess it’s no surprise really that Pop Goes The Lola.
I tried
December 20, 2009 at 11:47 pm | In Depressed, Eating disorders, Friends, Throwing Up | 29 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, failure, garrrghhghgghhh, make it stop please make it fucking stop, mental health, mental illness, relationships, tag added for Into The System hey you!, utter despair, what the fuck was I thinking
Well I tried Blog-o-sphere. I really did. I got in Breakfast, then a Snack. I got in the shower, and actually managed a change of clothes, before heading out with a friend. I did great up until the point where I realised I would have to make conversation. Then it all fell apart. Aside from the wealth of eating disorder related white noise reverberating through my skull (Loser-Cop-out-idiot-now look, all that fuss about nothing, relapse my arse, fat bitch, no thinner, she never said you looked thinner, you aren’t any thinner, failure, all that lying in bed, all those extra calories, blah blah blah. Bitch moan, self-deprecating screeching) I have apparently now lost the ability to form words with my lips. There is just no topic of conversation that springs to mind. I literally sat there blankly staring at my diet coke and wishing I was alone in bed so I could cry. I did my best to fake it, in stilted conversation, juddering along like a learner driver. Splutter splutter errrm errrm. Urrrhhh.
An Understanding
December 19, 2009 at 12:58 pm | In Eating disorders | 20 CommentsTags: C'mon Lurkers this is a good time to say hello! Snowflakes don't bite, Hello Karita do you still read these tags?, I miss you too much lovely readers, paranoia, Sometimes I go a bit mental, when the chips are down
Marine Snow is creeping back from undercover. As from today I will be gradually unlocking the previous entries and making them public. This may take a while so please bear with me, I have 18 months of writing to review and decide on. I appear to have got over my stress related paranoia (Bingo!) and feel the need to stop burying my head in the beach. Making the previous entries on this blog private, isn’t going to make my past non-existent, sad but true. |
If you’re going to screw up
December 18, 2009 at 8:27 pm | In Despair, Eating disorders, Health Hazard | 13 CommentsTags: anorexia, binging, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, GP, mental health, mental illness, purging
…then do it properly, that’s my motto.
After spending the past 4 days lying in bed, weighing up the relative pros and cons of overdosing in an anonymous hotel vs jumping off the local multi storey car park, I managed to drag myself out of my bed for long enough to visit the GP. The GP by thus time had obviously received my medical notes, as he met me with that all too familiar slightly glazed look of someone who wished they’d been off work that day. He didn’t, to his credit, suggest a little rendezvous with the scales, nor did he seem that bothered that I wasn’t chewing his arm off for medication or a referral to another team. He did say whilst I’m obviously very slim, he didn’t think he had to be worried about me, to which I agreed and then vowed to lose 2 stone. Only Very slim? Can’t be having that now, can we? Not sure what the offer of “putting me in touch with services in the local area for people with your sorts of problems” meant, but as it was an adjunct to the suggestion of further ED counselling, I can only assume he meant complex needs. Fortunately for his own safety he didn’t force the issue. You have to watch out for us BPD traited people, we are highly dangerous don’t you know.
Accountability vs Blame
December 15, 2009 at 9:26 am | In Eating disorders | 18 CommentsTags: anorexia, anorexia killed christmas time, bastarding ED is like the grinch, bulimia, cognitive dissonance, couldn't be arsed to make this private, depression, Eating disorders, getting sicker, i miss my readership, mental health, mental illness, paradoxical nature of an eating disorder
Anorexia is like draft excluder. That squeezy foamy stuff that you squirt in cracks, the goo that puffs up to fill crevices and nooks and crannies. It’ll expand to fill as much room as it can take. Now that the stress of work is gone, puffetty-putt-poof. Up fluffs an eating disorder mindset to fill the gap. Continue reading Accountability vs Blame…
Touch Screen To Begin
December 14, 2009 at 6:00 pm | In Despair, Eating disorders | 23 CommentsTags: anorexia, anxiety, being a useless failure, bollocks to it, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, GP, mental health, mental illness, NHS, recovery, relapse, sick note, stress
Noon struck on the town clock, and I found myself standing in the doctor’s surgery. It has to be said I have certainly upgraded in this move. A brand new state of the art surgery, freshly painted and polished. All lights and computers, ramps runways and melamine. I could have taken the opportunity to book in electronically if I could have found the motivation to touch the screen to begin. That was somewhat of a problem, I didn’t want to touch the screen and begin, I wanted to turn tail and run out through the automatic doors into the rain. Possibly into the road. Hopefully under a bus. But I didn’t.
Feed Me!
Ego Wall
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