Rolling Stone
July 3, 2009 at 7:02 pm | In Eating disorders | 20 CommentsTags: anorexia, body image, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, mental health, mental illness, recovery, relationships
Words fail me at the moment. Things are changing steadily, and it’s amazing. The past week has been a bit of a struggle in terms of confidence in my body, and I’ll hazard a guess that’s because I’ve been shopping. I’m finally weaning myself away from the last of my “skinny” clothes, and buying new, sensible sized outfits. It’s been tough, for someone who set their self worth on their jeans size for so long. The act of slipping into the category of average, rather than smallest on the rail, has dredged up quite a few feelings of failure, and insecurity. Not looking “Perfect”, or at the very least “a work in progress” is hard graft, a mental battle.
These feelings are strong, triggering, and upsetting, but above all, these feelings are only transitory. By stopping them dead in their tracks, it seems that they fade pretty quickly. In the changing room, attempting to change my attitude but struggling. Body checking in earnest, the shape in the mirror morphing from slim young woman, to bloated lumpy beast, turning away and taking a deep breath works well. Not comparing my thighs to the mental image which I’ve held for so long, but to something real, like a stepping outside my head for a moment. And realising the body I crave, makes me miserable, tired and no fun to be with. A dead thing, an absent thing, a hollow empty person. Whereas this strong, proud confident REAL person, who glows and smiles and takes interest, is who I want to be.
Lump
June 27, 2009 at 11:09 am | In Eating disorders | 30 CommentsTags: anorexia, anorexic, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, living with an eating disorder, mental illness, recovery, relationships
I talk a good talk. Apparently. That’s what they say. I’ve actually well lost count how many times I’ve heard that over the years. Teachers at school said it. My family have said it. The Psychiatrist said it, the therapist said it, the dietitian said it. People who I have spoken to for less than an hour have said it. Even customers* at work have said it. I guess what they are saying, is that when I present a case, I sound like I know what I am talking about. And for the most part, I tend to agree with them. I’m a pretty articulate person if I know a subject. I do often sound like I’ve totally thought about a situation, analysed it and digested it. It seems often I do that far too well. I’m very comfortable with shielding myself with a clever theory. Continue reading Lump…
Mouse Traps
June 21, 2009 at 5:26 pm | In Eating disorders, Friends | 8 CommentsTags: anorexia, binge, body image, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, Friends, mental health, mental illness, mindset, negative self image, purge, recovery, relationships
Friday night was a few drinks too far, and I ended up sitting in Jane’s lounge trying not to cry mascara tinted tears over her (spotless) oyster coloured carpet. Me, extremely inebriated on cheap white wine, with one foot in her lap, one in a foot spa, and a couple of half hearted tears trickling onto a body shop towel. I was trying to string a sentence together which had become more and more complicated, the more I had tried to express it. I think I was trying to explain why date night had been so disturbing, but half way through forming the words, I realised that she actually knows Dave, and his family, which made it far too dangerous to try and explain. Instead I aimed for cryptic ramblings about men and life and probably made no sense whatsoever. Fortunately I seldom make much sense after a few glasses of wine, and I think she got the general gist. Oh, and she did a fantastic job of painting my toenails red. Far better than any attempt I could make myself, where I usually end up looking like an unsupervised five year old with Mummy’s make up bag, or the victim of some terrible toe disease midway through surgery.
If you always do what you always did
June 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm | In Eating disorders | 15 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, dating, depression, Eating disorders, mental health, mental illness, recovery, relationships, sex
Yesterday was date night so it was. It was alright. We had fun, after a rather sketchy start. Am I going to see him again? Probably, but as a friend only. It was brilliant to go out and do normal stuff. And best of all, go out and experience life as me without an eating disorder snapping at my heels every step. I wasn’t trying to be anyone else for the whole evening, I just said what I felt and it was very empowering. He’s a great guy, really kind and easy going. I even ate in front of him, a burger, I know, kudos to me. So why, you may well ask, am I not thinking of more than friendship?
Partly because I’m just not ready for anything long term, though it’s not quite as simple as that. It wouldn’t be fair on him, or on me to be in a relationship at the moment, and he made it very clear that is what he was looking for. Aside from the fact that I’m discovering how much fun life can be, and don’t want to tie myself down to anything permanent, I’m only just beginning to get to know myself. My gut instinct tells me that rushing into anything right now, anything emotionally complicated, is a bad idea. Friends have asked me to think about it, suggested I just need time, but I’m going with my instinct for once. It’s nice they want to see me with someone, but I am feeling a little pressured about it. I think they just want to see a happy ending, which in most peoples minds, is a relationship. I guess there is the one other thing they don’t know. You see, it’s him as well as the situation. He reminds me of Dave. Only one person knows about the Dave saga in real life, so it’s kind of hard to find an answer when the united front of “Friends What Care” start pushing me back into seeing The Mystery Man again.
Intrigue
June 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm | In Eating disorders, Hope | 27 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, mental health, mental illness, recovery, relationships
I am calling a state of emergency. It’s become an emerging emergency! After a lifetime of building up barriers to keep the feelings in, and those who inspire those nasty feelings out, it seems one has slipped under the radar, and got through the barricades. I am of course, referring to Him. Man who I have now arranged a date with on Thursday. Man who I have exchanged phone numbers with, and spent the past few days facebook stalking. Oh dear, oh dear, what to do?
Cameo
June 10, 2009 at 9:58 pm | In Eating disorders | 24 CommentsTags: anorexia, bulimia, depression, Eating disorders, mental illness, recovery, relationships
Once, in the beginning, or in the middle of a crazy fall, there was a serenity to be found in my illness, a porcelain facing to the world which reflected all that threatened. Attempts to become an exoskeleton, firmly believing that this showed a special talent, a superhuman strength, resulted in a protection of sorts. But the protection was one born from others concern, others refrain from touching me lest they end up hurting me, and the strength drawn from others misery. Mine was a devil may care attitude about anything other than self destruction, because this made my own path of self destruction make sense, as if it was planned and intentional and invited. No one could hurt me more than I was hurting myself, so I was safe. Nothing mattered but a single set of numbers, energy in, energy out, and mass. Then one day there was a moment when the sunlight hit the mirror, and a true image cast huge on my reality. My life was molded from a pitiful lump of delusion. The unnoticed internal heartbeat of Ana (At least I’m thin, at least I’m thin, at least I’m thin) or Bulimia (Angry: Fuck it, I don’t care, about it, about anything, about myself) wore old and ceased to have a meaning. The words tasted like dirt on my tongue, and I couldn’t shake off the feeling of seeing myself from the outsiders perspective. Lola! Lola! What are you doing to yourself, Lola? It seems that tired old game just holds no logic when you’ve rounded the same circles, walked the same path, and hit the dead end repeatedly. The top of the pyramid shattered, and fell away in a tumble of horror. One day I found myself faced with a situation where I couldn’t brush bad feelings away with a bout of restriction, or an inch off my waist, what was I to do? Well, I…
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